got my feet on solid ground.

i have nothing worthy enough to write, but it's better than nothing, right?

oh, i figured i kinda have a job now, just had my trial shift and i'll be officially working tomorrow at this small bakery. i'll be working in the front, or as my friend like to call it.. im the 'store bitch'. but being a first time store bitch isnt that easy. i mean, do you know how many trays of bread i have to carry and put into the display? how hot and heavy they are? how narrow are the spaces that i keep bumping around? how the hat doesnt fit my head and hair properly, i look like crap? how my shirt is hard to button?  how quick i have to let go of the milk container so i dont burn it when i foam it? how i have to quickly put in bread in plastic wrappers before the customers' judging eyes? how early i have to wake up just to get minimum wage?

and if you dont know that im being overdramatic there, you shouldnt even be reading my blog.

first-part-time-job-anxiety aside, things have been going pretty slow lately... that is until i get all my questionnaires back for my assignment, then it'd be hell. there goes my social life... out the window :D
but hey, it's almost the end of january! whew. only one month-ish to go before i get to watch my bros in Soundwave!

oh, and can i just say, i love Chuck Palahniuk. the man's a genius. ugh, i wish i can write like him. he's so twisted and yet so brilliant. i might not be blessed with half his intelligence nor wit but man, i wanna be able to arrange words and stories and ideas so well and simplistic... yet so elaborate and deep.

and my room has a new tenant for these 2 weeks! my cousin is temporarily moving in. im so used to living alone, i need to polish my restraints, they were getting a bit rusty. but i've been on my best behaviour so far :3
well the only thing i really need to restrain was my early morning wailings to shayley bourget's voice, really.
kellin has officially met his match!

If wailing mindlessly at 5 AM is a crime, then I'm guilty, and that song is the motive.
I'm sorry Shay, but you should really share some of your talent with me. Or at least be my mentor.

 

okay, i found out that my babe was the one who wrote this song. and this is one of my favourite songs from them. so.....

i wish i can get alan printed on a medium sized poster so i can hang it above my bed tho :3

ah, im in love.

seriously one of the best lyrics i've came across

Have Heart - Armed With A Mind

Caked up and faked up, she's obsessed with the outside
Nothing earned, too afraid to fail, so she lead a hollow life void of insight
Loving what you see but hating what you think because between your mind and your body
There's a missing fucking link that leaves you vulnerable, susceptible to pain
You're a garden of potential submerged in the rain

True beauty can't be seen with the eyes

Armed, armed with a mind
I'm going to strengthen my action with thought
Make use of the gift that I got and walk fearless because I'm armed with a mind
A weak offense when you step to this
Mind over matter is power over fists
I walk fearless because I'm armed with a mind

I walk fearless with a mind far greater than a fucking fist

Spineless and mindless, you flex your muscles and not your fucking head
A deep man with a strong point made without one thoughtful word said
Huff and puff, the fierce fists will do the talking, can't speak for yourself so your crew's with you walking
Tell me what's worth fighting for and it better be something greater than an evening of the score

Boy, your true strength sleeps behind your eyes

It's the absent minded fool who's afraid to think, to extend an open hand, to dare to earn a thing
It's the gift inside your head not to take for granted because an unexaminded life is a seed unplanted
As the animals, they can't reason but as humans we can, so are you just a wild animal or a rational man?
Our bodies take you nowhere, might does not make right
There's a gift inside your head called your mind

im mildly obsessed

..... with Alan Ashby

summer? SUMMAH?

summers arent supposed to be, like, 21 degrees during the day. but whatever, i like the cold.
quite an empty summer,  i say. some of my closest mates arent back here yet, i really miss them. but im alright, i have mates here too. but things just arent the same, huh?
especially that im only doing one subject, havent started on my assignment, and i havent gotten a job. im looking for one, i really hope i'll get one soon. these expenses on tickets, merch, and albums are making me worried.
i've spent almost 2 years here in melbourne, and you dont have to ask me how much i've changed. in good and bad ways. i feel weird.

i've grown smarter. and smart people are never too happy. im not saying im smart, but i havent been feeling too happy lately anyway. maybe that's why people choose to be ignorant. the truth, or our perception of it, can sometimes be too hard to handle. it's difficult not to be bitter when you know the ugly truth.
but wait, smart people arent simply those who know the truth. im just one of those people who can be bothered to think about things many people dont. and torturing myself for it. sweet misery. im licking my blood off my self-inflicted wounds. 

you wanna know the true colours of a person? screw up. fuck with them (metaphorically). see how they react. how far and quick they pull back all the nice words they mindlessly vomit. once a person compliments you too easily, one will take them back the same way. real compliments are hard to earn and sustain.

somebody should conduct a class in for people who are tired of shit. what kind of class would that be? the class where we discuss the annoying things in life and how to deal with it.

by the way, good to know you still care.

and it feels good to just gaze at your laptop screen while listening to la dispute when you have too much in your mind.

here's to the new year's

I don't have many wishes for 2012. Other than probably...
1. Not fuck up
2. Get a part time job
3. Actualize dedication to bands
4. Go to as many concerts possible
5. Stress less about stupid ppl and stuff
6. Move on 100%

By the way, Shayley Bourget's voice is fucking amaaaazing. Of Mice and Men is awesome.
Yes, yes, Shay, I am too young to live this way.

"isn't your main aspiration in life just to eat and sleep?"
"lol. pfft please... what's yours?"

*long pause*

"music... yeah, music."
"loooooooooool" *pulls a mocking face*
"i'm gonna do something about it. im devoting my life to music, to bands... you'll see mate, you'll see."

something to shine about

this will probably be a long post. i like to do end of the year recaps.

so yeah, 2011.. the year began great, went shitty before my birthday (worst birthday so far too lol), and it’s been a roller coaster road ever since.

first year in uni! i got a more than average for the overall result, but it wasn’t as good as i expected :(
 and yeah, i made loads of new acquaintances and a few new friends, met a bunch of cool tutors, a few awesome ones. i have one aussie ‘friend’ (finally) yayy haha. yes, it is a big deal.
some subjects i took are great, mindblowing, like… media. hahaha. easily the best subject i’ve taken so far. my media tutor is the coolest, nicest tutor too.
french was great too, but… why were you a little less than i expected this sem, huh? :’(
i’ve been having (still) this dilemma of staying or leaving commerce and going to arts. lol. maybe if things ended up really badly in the commerce area or something. cos my breadth subjects are the highest scoring ones, much more than the commerce subjects. does that tell you anything?

music-wise, this has been an AWESOME year. i discovered to tons of good bands which became favourites in just a short period of time. You Me At Six, Sleeping With Sirens, We Are The Ocean (found my lovely drummer), Pierce The Veil, La Dispute, Man Overboard, The Wonder Years, The Amity Affliction, Lower Than Atlantis… to name a few.
this year i watched concerts too!
A Day To Remember & Underoath, You Me At Six & We The Kings, and Counter Revolution.
Let’s not forget meeting WATO boys in CR. I’ve met my kind of the-most-gorgeous-guy-on-earth… in real life :’)

but yeah, other things aren't as great. neither is my state of mind.
it's pretty safe to say that i've lost contact with many of my highschool friends. not particularly something i favour, but i didnt do anything much to it either. because we all change. or maybe them, not so too freaking much. not as much as i did. i realise people may see me coming off as an arrogant prick but that's just the way it is, the fact is that many of them dont have to go through the changes that i went through. a few years in melbourne turned me different. no, im not saying my highschool friends are inferior beings. i just.. no longer feel as comfortable around so many of them. im not saying this works for all of my friends. ah, you'll get what i mean. that's why i kinda moved on. and i expect nothing so i dont get disappointed in anything. if you wanna hang out, i'm still available. just dont be too surprised if im not the same. but heck, i conceal it pretty well, as long as i dont have to say anything about it.

speaking of moving on.... yeah. it's officially over. we almost made it to 2.5 years. but whatever, right? it's not like you care. it's not like anyone cares. i wish i could say the same, tho. it kills me that i still care, no matter how hard i deny. it's pretty pointless. maybe i should stop resisting, if that's the only way. what sucks the most is knowing that things will never be the same again between us. i wish it would. i wish, in a sorry way, even though we're no longer together, things wouldn't change. but if i keep wishing that, it only proves that i haven't been learning anything these past couple of years. i told you im a learner, it's time to man up and put principles into practice. at least you cant say im still in denial. im fucking ready. im moving on. i have been doing so even before it happened. so it wont hurt as much. well it didnt hurt as much then. but i dont know, sometimes i can feel it creeping up on me. i'm alright though, i swear i am.

im really sorry if i've been a very negative person lately. and negativity can be contagious. so i apologise. but,

this is a phase im going to have to go through. i dont know if it turns me better/worse in the long term. however, i'll deal with it accordingly. i'm perfectly fine. kind of. i dont wanna fish for drama. i dont wanna sound like im a total fucking train wreck inside, because i dont feel that way too often. people should stop being drama queens, you know many of you are just either fishing for attention/sympathy for first world problems. i also dislike that many people feel the need to reveal everything, including their mental health problems, to the world. i know you're not proud of it, but i think we should be careful. dont give people any more reason to hurt you, because by explicitly telling the world what's wrong with you.. they can and will use that against you. and im not trying to be mysterious or whatever. it's just something i learned. 

i realised that im always easily amused, but never easily impressed. other things:

i tend to have random moments and i laugh the longest over the stupidest/most random reasons.

i never try to be someone else that im not. not even on the internet. i can adjust my attitude according to who im with or talking to, but not my personality. 

people tell me i have a mind of a 21 year old (at least), but that doesn't mean i cant act childish sometimes.

im no longer that strong academically, but i swear im not stupid. i can think for myself. 

i cant live in autarky, but it's a strong value i can learn a lot from. the good parts, at least. 

and yeah, i think the #1 for a 'pet peeve' that's been massively bothering me this year goes to fanatic fans of anything. because when you go fanatic, you go idiotic and deny all common sense as long as your idol(s) win or are the best. you cant accept other people's point of views or opinions, much less defeat. they demand respect and shit when they barely show any. 

#2 probably goes to fake fans. those who only like bands/musicians just because they're physically attractive. they go mindless over their beauty (be it genuine or fake), and nothing else matters, even though they might not like the music. or are that good. but yeah. democracy and whatnot. respect others' opinions, no matter how stupid they might be. no matter how much you disagree. 

sigh. yeap. 

in like a week i'll be going to Bali. Thank goodness for the beaches. I desperately need to unwind there.

2012? well, if the world ends in 2012.. at least i wont have to put up with a lot of shit anymore. but i dont wish so, i still wanna travel the world and do many different things, and go to many more concerts.

yeah, i've fallen deeply in love with concerts. that's the one place where everything makes sense. where i fit in. it really is transcendental, no exaggeration. it's the 2nd best feeling in the world.

 

2012, come at me, bro.