i wish i have a hardcore band because i just wrote some decent hateful lyrics.
it's surprisingly extremely relaxing tho.
want some update of my life?
well, in short;
i hate myself.
i hate everyone.
i hate everything.
i hate all of you.
and i definitely fucking hate you with my guts.

brown eyes, black heart.

i havent been posting much on here. most of the time, i have shit ton to say, but i forgot about this special little platform that could've served a better purpose than sitting around collecting dust from the memories that remind me of how stupid i could be/was/still am.

first of all. i can finally say im starting to get into some hardcore.

im still a beginner tho, please dont go br00tal on me for not liking Terror or shiz.

some other songs worth checking out despite not being in the hardcore genre per se:

been on an experimntal-ish vibe and these are great songs so yeah:

Oh btw David Sedaris is an amazing writer. I have a feeling I might turn into someone like him when I get old. (Still) awkward and confused and helpless. Hopefully I'll also be somewhat successful, with a nice sum of money to my name, of course.

On a sidenote, I fancy disturbing things, if you havent realised it yet; I enjoy disturbing stories, books, movies. Damn it Palahniuk. Look at what you did to me. I'm such a special little snowflake, I know. That obviously makes me better than you, like duh.

Many times, I just feel like giving up trying to understand people and how they behave a certain (annoying) way. But man. I shouldn't forget my own selfish reasons. It's all part of the divine masterplan, isn't it? Isn't that what they say? Wait, it's not? 

I did something I shouldn't have with someone I shouldn't associate with any longer last week. But what the hell. It didn't mean anything. To me, at least. To you, may be another case worth analysing. For the moment, I'm quite content just watching you from my seat, smirking over your fall, being schadenfreude and all that jazz. This will come biting me in the ass sometime, so I better prepare iron pants to match my iron heart.

Oh, that's right, I dont particularly have a  heart.

i know, i know, i know, but it's so much easier said than done.
i hate the way i can dwell on my irrational thoughts and fears for way too long.
i need to stop being so needy and actually survive on my own two feet alone.
i shouldnt be allowed to think too much for my own good.
i hate it, i hate feeling this way.

on a sidenote, im glad you happened, even if eventually nothing will happen, im glad because you are my proof that i've moved on 100%.

 

painstakingly beautiful, these songs make me feel teary-eyed but warm inside.

perspectives

lately i've been kind of surrounding myself with people who have different perspectives, and it's kind of a good thing. you know, so you can always be challenged intellectually. you can always expand your knowledge and sharpen your arguments.

and dude, woah (i say woah all the time now). how you were brought up, your culture, your surroundings, your education... it all really determines your point of view. captain obvious, i know, but there's more to that than i imagined.

and i REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY need to work on my communication skills, as someone pointed out, i evidently did not manage to convey what i wanted to say perfectly. fuck that

woah at new blogger layout

on a sidenote, i figured it's just impossible to try and please everyone.
so im gonna stop doing that.
im just gonna be whatever the fuck i want to be.
of course i have a set of rules, i always learn what not to do and why not, but sometimes i just cant help it.
i respect your opinion, but fuck you.

time for another dazed blogpost written at around 3 am.

these few weeks had been a bit just a tad bit different and difficult, but i managed to get by.
first of all, let me just announce that yes, vic, we are all selfish machines. but being selfish wont get you far.
i've been on this charade of "no-longer-wanting-to-be-a-nice-person-and-getting-all-stepped-on" but yeah.
the only reason things worked out for me in the end is because i WAS being a nice person and that people realised it ultimately. they always come back.
apologies arent the hardest thing to do, but rather acknowledging you made a mistake in the first place.
and sometimes, trying to fix things just isnt the brightest thing to do. sometimes, it only made them worse.
and i realised i shouldnt be too offended by things. i should've been more stoical, remember?
once you become stoical, you're indestructible.
and time heals. time heals quicker than betadine. the pain subsides.

right now, im juggling 3 books: Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club, David Sedaris' Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, and F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.
and re-reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by the almighty Oscar Wilde.
next on my list:
Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting, Palahniuk's Damned, Snuff, and Choke, J. D. Salinger's the Catcher in the Rye, and more Sedaris. and probably, re-read the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
ah, books. good books open minds. i need to read more books. my mind could use more expanding, my vocabulary more enrichment.
all the interesting people are the ones who read.
if you dont read, you better start reading.

i am very preoccupied by this seemingly perfect guy in my lecture who looks as if he just walked out of a skateboarding magazine. stop it. stop being so perfect, rendering me stupid and hopeful that i might get to talk to you and actually start something.

perspectives, how very cheeky of you.
respect others' opinions, no matter how stupid they might be.

once you get through all of it, you will become stoical. indestructible.

if only im witty and charming, so that everything can go absolutely my way.