and i wonder

im too much a fan of what had been. i spend quite a substantial time remembering. yes, i cling on to the past too hard and this is not a very good thing to do.
if i dont, then my mind plays scenes. imaginary, potential, dangerous, evil, impossible, subliminal scenes. especially when my head hits the pillow, right before i fall into slumber.

i wonder what would it be like if we stopped being what we are.
we part ways in good terms and close the door for good. burn the bridge and let the river embrace the ashes.
eventually we will meet someone new.
i dont know what it would be like in your perspective, but i imagine that this is what it will be like for me.

so finally you've met your new-and-improved dream girl. let's say, she's beautiful, also in ways i can never be. let's also say, she's the girl that fits your every criteria. kind, cheerful, generous, faithful, polite, diligent, loving, humble, etc. and for the sake of making her perfect for you, she will also be submissive, enjoy sports, and have some artistic abilities. basically, everything a man could ever want in a woman. everyone in your family thinks she's the perfect one and nods in agreement.
let's say you decided that she's your soulmate. the girl you want to spend an eternity with. you marry her and have a terrific life. a happy, healthy family with 2 children. and this is her daily routine.

she will be an excellent housewife who will always wake up at sunrise, function as your personal alarm clock for the family, and cook breakfast and lunch for the kids. she will drop the kids off at school, kiss them goodbye, and drive home to do some mundane chores around the house, but surprisingly she enjoys doing these because she loves her family and wants to maintain a clean, beautiful nest. after she picks up the kids, she will hit the gym. later, after she showers, she will help the kids on their homework and prepare dinner. you will come home to her arms and her sizzling, mouthwatering meals served beautifully on the table. and after she puts the kids to their beds, you will have some fun time alone. you will eventually sleep with a huge smile on your face and wake up feeling awesome.
on the weekends, you will have a nice family time together, starting early in morning. you can have a lot of time having fun fun fun without having to spend much much much, because she never really cares about the material things anyway.
she will never fight you, and if you do have an argument, you will always outsmart her, hence constantly winning. she will always come back to you anyway so you have nothing to fear.
as you live the dream life you've always wanted, i wonder...

will you ever, still, remember me? us? what had been?
will you remember or miss the stupid fights and the way i cornered you?
will you miss the unpredictability?
will you miss trying hard to understand me?
will you ponder on what could have been?
will you have any shred of regret?
will you open up the box, filled with the things i gave you? will you even keep it once it's over?
will you still keep a fraction of your feelings to savor at odd times?

sadly, the answer would probably be no.

maybe one day when you're finally tired of her, of her perfection, you will revisit that old, dusty box in the corner if your heart. you will reminisce. the little things. the stupid things. the smile. the eyes.
but you and i both know that nothing can be done, because we've parted ways for so long.
im still on the other side of the world, out having a new adventure of my own.
i've probably changed a lot too. im no longer the 16 year old you fell in love with. heck, even 2 years made a hell lot of difference.
you've lost my number, and you traced it through mutual old friends. when you get it, you keep it in your phone. but you will probably not have the guts to reach me. you stare at my name on the screen, thinking hard about whether or not to push the green button. you think about the usual "hey, how are you?" to break the silence and try to come up with the reason you called as you havent reached me in ages.
as you think about the topics for potential conversations, you remember that we didnt have a lot of shared interests. in the end, you'll realize that it's better to keep things the way they are. you will not risk the heartache if anything happens. for yourself, your wife, and me. you will not risk everything for something as vague as this. as you put the phone down and climb back to bed, you look at your sleeping wife and promise that you will do anything to keep this marriage... forever. so you'll shake off any remaining thoughts of me and close your eyes, because you and your wife need to go to counselling tomorrow morning. but deep down, the questions, the memories... remain.
it can be sought but never found, because nobody.. nobody in this vast face of earth, will ever love you the way i do.

okay i just sounded so cheesy. but fuck that. i am cheesy.
and maybe if this is coming close to the end... i dont know, i honestly dont know what to think anymore. i've almost given up. the horizon is too far ahead and im too tired. unmotivated. and i need that motivation. im in denial and i gave out too many "second" chances, as some of you already know.

i guess im waiting for the last straw.

and i dont know whether or not i should start packing my bags. i have so many things there, i dont feel like moving out just yet... ever.

because all the beautiful dresses and majestic heels can never compare to the magnificent combination of jeans and chucks.
remember this, guys?

grammar nazi

this will probably sound cocky and annoying. you've been warned.

in this day and age, when you decide to speak out in the social media using languages other than your first language, you're usually forgiven if you make mistakes.
for example, you can say something in french and get away with grammatical errors.
but this might not be the case for english. english is an exception. english is THE exception.
major grammatical errors PISS THE HELL OUT of me. and many other people.
but to be fair... sometimes errors are just accidental. sometimes i make minor mistakes in english too. especially if it's 3.42 in the morning and i haven't had sleep for a while. but major mistakes are just... i can't even...
so please, for fuck sake, learn a little grammar before blabbering on about something. 
because honestly, shit becomes 10 times shittier with awful grammar.
and some are gonna say.. "oh but they can't be blamed if they aren't that good in english..."
i can't blame you if you don't have enough resources to be able to speak flawless english. but if you can afford a blackberry, know how to use twitter... and especially if you're studying abroad. no matter where.
i'm begging you.

p.s. yes, i did go through this a couple of times to make sure i didn't make any errors myself. 

"when i was 17 my boyfriend fell into a coma.

I was told he wouldnt make it. After 6 months his parents took him off life support. When his heart started to fail I went to kiss him goodbye. When I did, his heart skipped a beat.

It's been 6 years. Tomorrow we're getting married. His love and strength give me hope."

oh god. if this is for real.. it's so beautiful, amazing :'D

i emailed this to Owen (limitation of communication much?) and his response:
"not only you didnt reply my last email, now you want me to fall into a coma?!"
yeah, thanks for ruining the moment -__- but i love you, you vintage, freaky boy. haha

my life according to the arctic monkeys.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST/BAND, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:
Arctic Monkeys

Are you a male or female?
The Bad Thing

Describe yourself:
Fluorescent Adolescent

What do people feel when they're around you?
D Is For Dangerous

Describe where you currently live:
This House Is A Circus

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Secret Door

Your favorite form of transportation:
My Propeller

Your best friend is:
The Only One(s) Who Know

You and your best friends are:
Dangerous Animals

What's the weather like:
Brianstorm

Favorite time of day:
When The Sun Goes Down

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Riot Van

What is life to you:
The View From The Afternoon

How would you describe your previous relationship?
-

Describe your current relationship.
Baby I’m Yours

How do you feel about love?
A Certain Romance

Your fear:
From the Ritz to the Rubble

What is the best advice you have to give:
If You Were There, Beware

Thought for the Day:
You Probably Couldn't See From The Lights But You Were Staring Straight At Me

How I would like to die:
Crying Lightning

My soul's present condition:

Mardy Bum

My motto:
I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
Do Me A Favor

The BBC apparently believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here:

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible- most of it                                                                               

 7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare                                                              

 15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy.
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth.
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt.
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. ON PROGRESS.

7 books already. Does that make me win?

still a duckling?

so i decided to transfer a few old pictures from my oh-so-old N73.
nostalgic, yes. but the real first response?
"oh my God im such a terrible mess" back then. and i loled.
changes changes. not just me, also my friends. we look so much more.. geeky back then? different in so many ways?
i looked awful. short hair, nerdy glasses, too boyish outfits.. and at the time i finally decided to be less of a tomboy, i gained quite a lot of weight. so yeah. compared to the old times, i look drop dead gorgeous now.
for real.
but i dont know. i wonder how i'll look like... 5 years from now. 10 years. 30 years. 50 years. 60 years and more (if i get to live that long).
i've never stopped changing, i never will i guess... so have i passed the ugly duckling stage yet? or life and time simply have something better in store for me?
just a midnight random thought passing by.


p.s. another random stuff: i wonder what will it feel like if i have a small, nice, black Vespa to go around Melbourne on. but i dont trust myself on two-wheeled vehicles. neither on four-wheeled vehicles.

oh well, whatever, nevermind.

RIP, Kurt Cobain. you are honestly an inspiration.. your originality is just amazing. and your indifference, you might be one of the most non-conformist people in the history of mankind. i love the contradiction, the lyrics, the honesty.. and to think that you might wrote some or many of them while stoned or high.

the world needs more ingenuity like yours.

selected quotes:

- just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you.

- throw down your umbilical noose so i can climb right back.

- i need you around to remind me what not to become.

- congratulations, you have won; it's a year subscription of bad puns.

- i use bits and pieces of others' personalities to form my own.

- why in the hell do journalists insist on coming up with a second rate Freudian evaluation on my lyrics when 90% of the time they've transcribed the lyrics incorrectly? 

- Birds...scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth. They know the truth. Screaming bloody murder all over the world in our ears, but sadly we don't speak bird.

- I spent all of my life trying to stay away from sports and here I am in a sporting arena. 

- I take pride as the king of illiterature.

- She loves him more than he will ever know.... He loves her more than he will ever show. 

- Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be. As a trend, as a friend, as a known enemy. 

- I'm so happy, cause today I found my friends... They're in my head.

- I miss the comfort in being sad. 

 this has got to be my favorite Nirvana song ever. brilliant music and disturbing video? awesome.

remind me, why am i still here again?
why am i still holding on?
why do i stay? why should i stay?
is it the right reason or is it simply fear and insecurity?
on the verge of a new chapter, why do i question everything?
what am i doing here?
where is home?
this home became too strange a place.
this home, i dont feel... wanted.
i dont wanna be homeless. 
i dont know where else to go.

fuck you, your opinions, what had been, what could have, should have been.

im sorry.. i have so many negative things on my mind right now. lately.

idgaf... im trying hard to do that for my own sake. working on it.

my eyes hurt. i feel awful. fuck this. fuck everything.