exams are finally over. been kind of a shit semester despite my love for media studies that grows stronger by time. celebrated with ice cream, the girls and i made our own chicken katsu curry (which was awesome, btw), watched blades of glory, and laughing our guts off at the stupidest things. looking forward for a hopefully great brunch tomorrow. cant tell them enough how much i love them. cant thank them enough that they're still here despite my stupidities/weirdness/randomness/occasional misantrophy.

this is just a quick update tho, it's 3.43 AM and i'm supposed to sleep now.
i promise i'll write something longer when i reach jakarta. yes, i will be going back tomorrow morning :)

however, despite i enjoy the time spent with close friends wholeheartedly, i still need some space, some balance. i guess that's part of the reason i stay up this late (the other being my night owl, even though i AM sleepy). just me alone with music and my laptop. besides i have so many, too many things in my mind.

and you know something? it's really hard not to express how much i still care about you. i guess i still can, but it's kinda different now. or not. it's all blurry, it's always been.
i am looking forward to jakarta, it's just that something i look forward to most is no longer existent.

mind so loud, surroundings so silent.

you know i loved you more

cant get over Man Overboard. their songs and lyrics are mindblowingly sweet, without the layers of cheese. well done guys.

"you and i were meant to be the glue that held the world together."
"so as i swallowed these pills, i pray for the sunshine."
"i can speak all day, and not speak enough. sleep all day, and not sleep it off."
"the paranoia makes me love you more."
"and i hope for your sake, i miss you more than you miss me."
"oh if you only knew, the amount of thought that i put into you."
"they dont make kids like me anymore."
"i just got the nerve to get in the cage, so don't bite me now."
"i left my feelings with my wallet and my keys."
"im blinded by the promise of happiness if i can find it."
"maybe i have no heart, cos all i can remember was feeling so lost. you dont know how bad i wanna tell you everything."
"and maybe what he told her was all she ever needed to hear."
"it's like they needed two separate planets to make it stop."
"fading away at a sickening rate can put things in perspective for you."
"live everyday without any regret of falling back into you. we hold heads high while bullets fly."
"i wrote some lonely lyrics to paint a picture to let you know."
"and i know that i've been asking a lot but, would you run away with me right now? i've got the whole world figured out."
"but we're just two different people."


"you know i loved you more."

Everybody wants a reason for everything.
It’s so much easier with someone or something to blame.

I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem.
Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense?

I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy.
I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason.
I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down.
Not just in stories, but the letters in between.
And I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything-
to self-examine.

I think the thing is that I shut off from everything.
From friends and family and my own ambitions.
From having fun.
I just shut off from everything.

Self-defeating? Yeah, probably.
But I don’t know that I had total control over it.
And I’m not sure it even matters why.

Sometimes things happen and you can’t do anything.
Plus, I’m the only one who deals with it anyway.
So if everyone could do me a favor and
just put their fingers down
I’d-and keep your mouths-

Sorry. I know I seem angry.
I’m not, I…I promise. I just know I did this to me.
And I will deal with it accordingly.

And I don’t need opinions from those never a part of it.
Don’t need them pointing out my problems, they’re mine.
Don’t need reminders, I know better than anyone.

And yeah, I know, I should be finding another way.
I know that I should be out seeking a substitute.
But just forgetting never really made sense to me.

So I haven’t been.

Do I feel embarrassed about it?
I think you know the answer to that.
I think you’d probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me,
wouldn’t you?

I know I should’ve moved on ages ago, been happy already,
but it’s never been that easy for me.
Or maybe it was me that made it so hard.

I know I’ve only ever tried a handful of times
to sever this thing torturing me.
It never got me anywhere, with anyone.
No friendship or hobby, no lover’s bed worked.

But looking back I maybe never tried hard enough,
and it is my fault.

Maybe I never tried at all.

oh how they always wait for me

i cant seem to get this song out of my head. and tonight i feel so restless, idk.
this band is one of the most unique bands i discovered. and their lyrics are basically poems.
their other songs are more oriented towards spoken words/hardcore.
and listening to this band is best done through headphones.

 She forced a smile, said,
"Boy, come kiss my mouth—I'll set you free.
You know that hope you're holding to? It looks an awful lot like fear.
Now, you're so quick to fall on failure, and so quick to raise your voice, like,
'If I can't find a mistake to blame, we didn't have a choice.'

Oh, but you had option.
I was your chance to feel complete,
But when I leaned in close to you, you
Kissed your fear instead of me.

You had my hand in your hand,
You had my lip in your teeth,
You had my heart on your sleeve,
You had a chance to breathe.

But, boy, you wouldn't let your fear recede so I moved on.

And it's too late to change your mind now,
You got scared, boy, and I got gone.
Now you failed, and there's no way to turn back time.
You had your chance, boy, I tried."

"You tried?" I looked her in the eye and smiled,
"My girl, you must understand that fear is not some product that I made.
It crept unwelcome in my head the day they had her torn away.
It changed me.

Now at the end of everyday I lie awake at night and wait
To feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and
Hear my beaten heart exclaim, 'Still, I refuse to let her go.'"

So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.
Oh, how they always wait for me.

If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free.

And I'm sorry, dear, but don't you dare say another word.
How could I risk holding your heart in me while still in love with her?

You were wrong."

fireworks

so yeah it's been a week. it's still kept on the down low, not because im too sad to tell everyone that, im not even that sad anymore. it's just this overwhelming disappointment that creeps on my back, hanging heavily as it feeds on distant memories and meaningless conversations. the monster on my back keeps telling me to look back, to look at it, to look at him, but i know it's no use. when the castle you made out of expectations crumble, you know there's no use to cry over the debris, and there's no point of going over and analysing them for days and days. well, not really. it's because i know it's already been under attack, and i can only defend for so long, with my ammo running out, shields falling. it slowly penetrates your heart, eating it out, alive, slowly, burning like acid. gradually turning you into a zombie, lifeless, but with this relentless hunger. to find the unseekable. cant be cured. it's never easy, it hasn't been easy, but there's no use grieving over a dead body because your tears don't perform miracles of resurrection. after feeling unempowered for so long, i finally got the courage to sever the ties. and it was much easier for you than me.

as of now, i am no longer your anchor. your compass. your sea.

no, im not grieving over the dead.

im slowly, but surely, rebuilding the castle, not from expectations and silly dreams. slowly gathering myself back together. finding the lost pieces to strengthen me.

i just really need to be motivated, much more than anything.

counter revo

it was pretty much amazing. im just really bummed i didnt get to see WATO for a long time, because the lines are fucking long and the security guards gave us a real hard time just to get in. but at least i got to see them, they’re amazing live, i love love love Liam’s voice… and they signed their picture. i love how Jack, Tom, and Dan are really smiley and friendly. and Tom was wearing a shirt, which is kinda unlike him, and his smile.. :3

Alesana’s live show is pretty.. weird. Thanks to Shawn. But they’re alright.

Funeral For A Friend!! they’ve been one of my favourite bands for so long, being able to see them live and so close made me really happy :)) My favorite was roses for the dead, it was amazing. too bad they didn’t play red is the new black.

Story of the Year was.. alright. Yellowcard too. This Providence is pretty good, thank goodness
I had a great time during ATL.. well I love them, but I kinda dislike having to be stuck like a tuna, and my height doesn’t help either. my knees hurt after all that jumping, but ATL was great :) i love how Jack and Alex kept teasing each other and be cheeky

DRUGS! they were great. i love Craig.
Panic was good, but I only watched a few songs. They’re awesome, they also have this cool vibe that made everyone chilled.

i got myself a WATO tee and a Man Overboard CD.
one hell of a day :’)

unreal

 his morning, i was woken up harshly by not the alarm on my phone, but on the building. as i looked out the window, the sky was odd-coloured. it was dirty yellow with a hint of grey, i hate it. nobody was out on the lobby. nobody in those houses across my window. nobody walking past and smoking on the chairs. it felt quite like post-apocalypse, and i'm starting to get a bit worried, but i kept my crown of wishful thinking and crashed back to bed. it's not that i can sleep well afterwards anyway, but i just desperately needed to close my eyes. after being an hour late to my group meeting, spicy paella and dirty vacuum-cleaning, i had some time to think and decide. but it's out of my hands now, i can only cross my fingers.

i thought a lot last night. rolled up in my bed, feeling disturbed by the disturbing stories i just read, i listened to kellin on my ipod but i can feel the silence. it's weirdly amusing to feel the loud silence creeping up the atmosphere, the same time as music playing in your ear. it reminds me that im alone. alone under the cross above my bed.

i thought about what i propose as the lucifer syndrome: how one person can be seen or perceived as an angel at one time, but then drastically turned into a demon. especially without careful thinking and listening. this usually happens when their hearts overruled their minds, or as my friend told me, when their expectations are crumbled and reality then hit them hard.

such an incredible downfall, that is honestly amusing to observe.

most of the time, i'm interested in the reasons for their downfall, or transformation, if you like. and this usually happens when lovers turn to haters, best friends turn to strangers.

i'm trying hard not to be contaminated with this disease. it's not that i don't admit change, people do change, but some people are simply wolves in sheep's clothing. maybe we all need a magic mirror to unveil these trickeries and save all the heartache. but then again, what fun will it be? encoding people is fun. you get to have these expectations and you venture to seek if they are true to some extent, secretly wishing that your first impressions are always correct so you can brag about it afterwards about your amazing premonition skill of some sort.



however, some people just don't understand or accept the change. and this unfamiliar being became the 'others'. and we are afraid of the 'others'. the unknown. the mysterious, sometimes. familiarity is security. but it doesn't stop there, because  if the transformation is too drastic, too fast, and the brain isn't utilised, then it also tells about the person judging. it reflects their short-mindedness and ignorance. if you're so quick to judge, it will come back to you someday, biting you in the ass.


i wonder if my life had been laid out to me. i wonder if i can predict my life in the near future; what job i'll have, which suits i'll use, which suburb i'll live in, which car i'll drive, which guy is (un)lucky enough to end up marrying me, which name should i pick for my kids, which colour the house should be, which college my kids are going to, which insurance company i'll use to secure my retirement, what will i tell my lawyer to be written in my will. this life sounds so damn ordinary. i want security, but not routine. i want commitment, but not dry romance. i want everything to be special, and if it isn't i'll try to make it be.

i dont want some stupid wedding reception attended by 500+ guests i dont really care about for the sake of politeness.
i dont want to get married for the sake of getting married.
i dont want some small suburban house just like every other house in the neighbourhood.
i dont want some random desk job just so i can pay the bills.
i dont want to become a soccer mom.
i dont want to travel on some shitty tour where other tourists act like their own people, and only after i retired; i'll be too old by then, i'm not strong enough.
i dont want to write songs or poems that no one will ever read or listen to.
i dont want a husband i cant connect to emotionally.
i dont want to be stuck in the stupid rat race, and my days had started to feel like it.

i need a way out.

oh, and sinners are actually very realistic people. i proudly wear my 'sinner' bracelet and i love when people stared at it. you cant be a saint when you know you still messed up. hell, even when you dont mess up, it doesn't guarantee you sainthood. if you proclaim that you're a saint, then you really aren't. like He said, the person who are sin-free can throw the first rock, right? everyone's a sinner. i'd much rather have 'sinner' written on my bracelet than 'saint', because then you set other-worldly expectations about yourself. i'm just being realistic.