exams are finally over. been kind of a shit semester despite my love for media studies that grows stronger by time. celebrated with ice cream, the girls and i made our own chicken katsu curry (which was awesome, btw), watched blades of glory, and laughing our guts off at the stupidest things. looking forward for a hopefully great brunch tomorrow. cant tell them enough how much i love them. cant thank them enough that they're still here despite my stupidities/weirdness/randomness/occasional misantrophy.

this is just a quick update tho, it's 3.43 AM and i'm supposed to sleep now.
i promise i'll write something longer when i reach jakarta. yes, i will be going back tomorrow morning :)

however, despite i enjoy the time spent with close friends wholeheartedly, i still need some space, some balance. i guess that's part of the reason i stay up this late (the other being my night owl, even though i AM sleepy). just me alone with music and my laptop. besides i have so many, too many things in my mind.

and you know something? it's really hard not to express how much i still care about you. i guess i still can, but it's kinda different now. or not. it's all blurry, it's always been.
i am looking forward to jakarta, it's just that something i look forward to most is no longer existent.

mind so loud, surroundings so silent.

you know i loved you more

cant get over Man Overboard. their songs and lyrics are mindblowingly sweet, without the layers of cheese. well done guys.

"you and i were meant to be the glue that held the world together."
"so as i swallowed these pills, i pray for the sunshine."
"i can speak all day, and not speak enough. sleep all day, and not sleep it off."
"the paranoia makes me love you more."
"and i hope for your sake, i miss you more than you miss me."
"oh if you only knew, the amount of thought that i put into you."
"they dont make kids like me anymore."
"i just got the nerve to get in the cage, so don't bite me now."
"i left my feelings with my wallet and my keys."
"im blinded by the promise of happiness if i can find it."
"maybe i have no heart, cos all i can remember was feeling so lost. you dont know how bad i wanna tell you everything."
"and maybe what he told her was all she ever needed to hear."
"it's like they needed two separate planets to make it stop."
"fading away at a sickening rate can put things in perspective for you."
"live everyday without any regret of falling back into you. we hold heads high while bullets fly."
"i wrote some lonely lyrics to paint a picture to let you know."
"and i know that i've been asking a lot but, would you run away with me right now? i've got the whole world figured out."
"but we're just two different people."


"you know i loved you more."

Everybody wants a reason for everything.
It’s so much easier with someone or something to blame.

I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem.
Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense?

I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy.
I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason.
I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down.
Not just in stories, but the letters in between.
And I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything-
to self-examine.

I think the thing is that I shut off from everything.
From friends and family and my own ambitions.
From having fun.
I just shut off from everything.

Self-defeating? Yeah, probably.
But I don’t know that I had total control over it.
And I’m not sure it even matters why.

Sometimes things happen and you can’t do anything.
Plus, I’m the only one who deals with it anyway.
So if everyone could do me a favor and
just put their fingers down
I’d-and keep your mouths-

Sorry. I know I seem angry.
I’m not, I…I promise. I just know I did this to me.
And I will deal with it accordingly.

And I don’t need opinions from those never a part of it.
Don’t need them pointing out my problems, they’re mine.
Don’t need reminders, I know better than anyone.

And yeah, I know, I should be finding another way.
I know that I should be out seeking a substitute.
But just forgetting never really made sense to me.

So I haven’t been.

Do I feel embarrassed about it?
I think you know the answer to that.
I think you’d probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me,
wouldn’t you?

I know I should’ve moved on ages ago, been happy already,
but it’s never been that easy for me.
Or maybe it was me that made it so hard.

I know I’ve only ever tried a handful of times
to sever this thing torturing me.
It never got me anywhere, with anyone.
No friendship or hobby, no lover’s bed worked.

But looking back I maybe never tried hard enough,
and it is my fault.

Maybe I never tried at all.