je t'aime beaucoup... toujours. mais pourquoi j'eprouvé est-ce différent maintenant?
j'espere bien pour nous. avant qu'il soit trop tard.
merde.

gaskarth alert!

Jamie makes AWESOME (no exaggeration) ATL fan arts. along with other bands.
(Disclaimer: Jalex alert ;) and cuteness alert :3 )
if you decide to check it out, go and check my tumblr as well :) i mainly reblog stuff and whatnot so its not that interesting tho.

haz to learn:

> to EFFING PROCRASTINATE LESS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
> to be much less distracted
> to not give a shit about unnecessary stuff
> to control these uncontrollable thoughts before they eat her alive
> to be moar and moar independent (including opening jars, bottles and reaching for stuff in high places)
> to be moar committed to everything
> to be always persistent... at least for the good things
> to be moar truthful (kinda hard)
> to maintain a constant, content state of mind
> to stand up for herself moar
> to be less shy and reach out to moar people and not giving too much a damn of what they think
> to hesitate less and think faster but not less cautious when speaking
> economics.

cant agree more.

the good left undone

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean,
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down,
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you,
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
No, not the kind with halos,
The kind that bring you home,
When home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice,
All you have to do is shout it out.

----------------------------------------
i wholeheartedly regret not copying my Rise Against CD and bring it here -____-
RA has always been a great band, with great songs that actually have substance. struggle. pain. love.

favorite RA song atm other than that one:

p.s. simplicity at its best:

yes, i am enslaved.

im entitled to rant as much as i want in my blog.

so yeah. feel free to not read this.

inferiority complex is eating me alive, slowly skinning me and devouring my flesh, sucking my blood and slitting my guts open. its not "why them and not me" but "why didnt i get it too". but.. im not failing. not succeeding yet either.

bipolar? im not bipolar. loving and hating one thing at once isnt really bipolar. plus there is always a middle ground for everything, which makes me much less likely to be bipolar.
why am i writing this? ranting? a prelude to warm up my brain before i pour out another 1000 words?

on hating: no, i dont hate much. i wish i can NOT hate anything. i hate bugs, heights, being scared, stupidity in general (mine included), germs, dirty places and stuff. but i dont HATE people (pseudo-virtuous people excluded, if you know what i mean). you cant expect me to like every single person i meet and interact with, but i can certainly tolerate them. but they wont earn my respect and trust.

a friend of mine said i hate a genre of music she loves. wtf? i honestly dont like it, dont enjoy it, but i dont HATE it. if i hate it, i would devote a considerably large amount of my time and energy (which im lacking myself) to bash on them and persuade people to not listen to it, maybe even circulate some rumors and do some "character massacre" (not merely assasination). its safe to say that i've grown quite enough to see that people have different tastes; we cant expect that the others like what we like.
focus your energy not to hate, but to love your [insert genre of music/musician/activity preferred]. if you like it, it's great; but if you dont, fuck off and leave us alone.

there's always a thin, but fine line between these things:
tolerance and ignorance
confidence and arrogance
sarcasm and lies
humility and self-defeat
[will add moar later]

talking about double standards, it annoys me that some people's personality are labeled according to their physique. if you're different and cute, you're unique. but if you're different and not so cute, you're a freak. if you're silent and good-looking, you're "cool". but if you're silent and not good-looking or maybe a little nerdy, you're an anti-social or a loner. "dont judge a book by its cover" is a statement passed around like a cheat sheet on a history exam, but rarely manifested in real life.
which reminds me, penguin classics all have the same, plain orange cover. maybe it's to avoid people's judgments and get them to read the back of the cover first before deciding the book's worth reading or not? or maybe even making a stand, some sort of a trademark to increase awareness? or simply just to cut down on the production costs? Occam's razor, anyone?

im not really judgmental. if im not impressed, i wont approach. simple as that.
but if we sorta have the similar tastes and/or personality and/or way of thinking, i'll be impressed. im not that hard to impress. however, usually my first impressions are correct. but im not judgmental. underline that.

im trying not to act out of fear, but because it's the right thing to do.

i had my first full glass of wine yesterday. a sauvignon blanc. i felt like grinning a lot and just slightly light, but im still aware of pretty much everything.
and yesterday was great, btw. last minute plans (or change-of and lack-of's) are usually the best.
going to new places,  discovering a nice cup of coffee, walking along the riverbank, italian meals, long conversations about tons of random things.
we dont get see each other that much anymore, so it's really nice to finally spend some time with you, and catch up. im glad to see that things are.. pretty much as it used to be.

and as for you.. we talked about you yesterday, and it made me think... i know you're still there.
the question is.. will you stay? will you wait for me to come back home?

okay, i really should be getting back to work now.

but then again, i can find an excuse for everything. doesnt matter if its irrational. >:)

3rd week

okay so two weeks had past, and... uni life is different. it really is.
they said things about being more independent.. but i think its simply much, much more individualistic.
honestly i haven't found many new friends.. a whole bunch of new acquaintances, but they remain on "tutorial" phase, since we haven't hung out... how do we expect to fabricate "deep, meaningful" relationships if we only meet each other 1 hour every week?
and oh god, the materials. im not, in any way, a commerce-oriented person. well yeah im taking commerce, but for the sake of flexibility. im a little overwhelmed. i didnt study econs for 6 months and here i am, learning about supply and demand, equilibrium, scatter diagrams, histograms, corporate value, market orientation, etc. some stuff are like back in highschool, and i remember those days spent studying for national exams, olympics.. and of course, my econs teacher, pak setyo. i wonder what will his response be, knowing that i finally got into mel-u, and i'm learning all these stuff. i wish i can show him these and hopefully, he'll be somewhat proud.
anyway... im just.. nervous. and suffering a bad case of inferiority complex. oh wait, i always do.

part-time job? yeah im thinking about it. but i still have no idea what to write on my resume.
and.. i also might be joining this new club that aspires to conduct rock musicals. rock. musicals. come on. i finally get to meet people who share the similar interests. and play music. well, worst case scenario, i'll start working next semester. it's really hard juggling: adapting to the new uni life, finding friends, working out, and studying. hopefully next semester i'll find a firmer ground.

some days... i feel like i want to leave everything behind and start over. but this is already a new starting point. these are the moments i say to myself: dont be such a wimp. dont you dare give up.

and hey, are you still there? its been weeks. you really are that busy, arent you? god, im only asking for one hour each week. i only want to talk just for a while. it seems like even that's too much for you now. you told me to talk to a wall. well i am now, in my mind.

"i'm a mess, that's the best way to describe it...i still wish you the best of luck baby, and don't go thinking that this was a waste of time, i couldn't forget you if i tried ... i'm tired, so let me be broken. look down on the mess that's in front of me, no other words can be spoken." -- you be tails, i'll be sonic

sometimes i need the pain to feel.

does that make me a masochist?

a few observations:

1. "Never put your (best) friends behind your partner. Lovers come and go, but friends stay forever. I can live without lovers but not without friends." >> chyeah right. then dont fucking complain when your significant other is "prioritizing his/her friend over me, I'm more important and shit". If you don't put your partner as a number one, then don't expect your partner will. Go set your priorities straight. Hey, I value friendship highly, I just think some people have double standards.

2. if partners don't mean as much as your friends... why did you fucking date them, try to make them happy, and may eventually marry them? By the time you're married and have your own family, you can no longer choose your friends over them.

3. that first statement... what if your partner IS your best friend?

4. long distance relationships can have a literal and figurative meaning. the literal one can work out as long as both parts are willing to put some effort into it. but it's so much harder to be in a literal AND figurative long distance relationship, where you're not just separated geographically, but also miles apart in the hearts.

5. eloquence doens't always mean brilliance.

on a side note,
i have a tendency to overestimate people. this only brings... disappointment as i often see my expectations crumbled, torn apart by reality. however.. i doubt i want to underestimate people.. I don't want to lick my own spit or get utterly shocked. I want to be the one who has the last laugh. I'm supposed to be the black horse, the underdog. But I love it when people underestimate me. At least I can crack a cheshire smile later when i prove them wrong. I love to see them eat their own words. Damn, I love it when i'm right.

I want to take a picture of the universe.

I want to see the stars, each sparkling with light so bright.

I want to see just how much can fit into the picture.
I want to see the whole existence.
Is it colorful? Is it monochromatic? 

I will try to find earth, a tiny pixel surrounded by various lights and shapes.

If only I can find you.
You are very small.