2012 Year in Review

what an interesting year this has been. and this is a very self-centered (literally) post, so if you have absolutely no interest in my life whatsoever (i doubt anyone does, really), this would be a good place to click the 'x' on this tab.

because im hungry and my parents are here, let's just make this quick for now. let's see:

1. i turned 19, but mentally, im either 23 or 15, depending on the day/mood/circumstance.
2. i had a clearer idea who my real friends are, so i ditched those who arent.
3. i learned how to make acquaintances more easily. and i can safely say im a lot better at making small talks now.
4. i went behind my parents back to go to more shows, and Soundwave, and i had a fucking amazing time in general. well, 'carpe diem' was my only justification.
5. i learned that its harder and harder to genuinely like most people now.
6. i discovered 'real' hardcore. and i love it. not all of it. but enough to convert me.
7. i discovered Chuck Palahniuk and David Sedaris, who both quickly became my favourite authors. (by the way, Haunted is my book of the year -purely because its the most disturbing shit i ever read and therefore i love it to pieces.)
8. i discovered heaps of new talented bands. or just talented bands.
9. i have my ups and downs, but i gained a significant amount of confidence and reassurance.
10. i finished year 2, and decided that i hate groupwork and fobs.
11. i started implementing some marketing knowledge into my tumblr and made the 'correct' gifs --i love the bands, for fucking sure, but hey, i dont mind getting notes and heaps new followers.
12. i made a new best friend and made amends with my old best friend --they both became two of the most important people in my life right now, and i love them dearly.
13. i dipped my feet in the "organisations & volunteering" pond, and although i honestly think they're a lovechild between virtue and lame, they do, as much as i hate admitting it, give me a handful of experience (that better be fucking useful for my future endeavours.)
14. i got my first job as a store bitch in a bakery where i worked and loathed like crazy. now i can really respect those in the service industry more, so no regrets.
15. i did my first internship too, in that promo department, and i got to implement some more marketing. and i learned to coexist without sacrificing my ideals and being subtle about it.
16. i learned that i highly prefer those with a lot of interests. they might not be mutual to mine, but it at least shows the span of their knowledge (and a stretch of their personality, most of the time). those with no interests could only talk about others and gossip. which was pretty exciting at first, but it grew exhaustingly annoying after a while.
17. in that note, i acquired a penchant for more nerdy people.
18. i met a liferuiner in november. he actually made me live MakeDamnSure for a good while. this is monumental for various reasons, particularly in that one really pleasant week.
19. i decided that my best skill was to criticise fucking everything and do nothing about it. however........
20. i have better grip on things now.

21. apology is not overrated.

the universe conspires once you've had too much fun.

beautiful band, gorgeous album, accurate song.

this has been bothering me for quite a while and i just have to note it down so one day i can read this in retrospect.

i hate when people use "change and circumstance" as a scapegoat.
yes, i know, everything and everyone changes, and like a plague, you cant help it but just shudder and try to survive. although, by nature, it is a huge injustice.
i have stopped blaming people for the mistakes (?) they did under the name of "change", but well, how do i put this simply?

i do not, under any "circumstance", enjoy being collateral damage.
however, there is nothing i can do about it.

the only thing you can and have to do is to man up, dea. dont be such a fucking loser.

i wish i have a hardcore band because i just wrote some decent hateful lyrics.
it's surprisingly extremely relaxing tho.
want some update of my life?
well, in short;
i hate myself.
i hate everyone.
i hate everything.
i hate all of you.
and i definitely fucking hate you with my guts.

brown eyes, black heart.

i havent been posting much on here. most of the time, i have shit ton to say, but i forgot about this special little platform that could've served a better purpose than sitting around collecting dust from the memories that remind me of how stupid i could be/was/still am.

first of all. i can finally say im starting to get into some hardcore.

im still a beginner tho, please dont go br00tal on me for not liking Terror or shiz.

some other songs worth checking out despite not being in the hardcore genre per se:

been on an experimntal-ish vibe and these are great songs so yeah:

Oh btw David Sedaris is an amazing writer. I have a feeling I might turn into someone like him when I get old. (Still) awkward and confused and helpless. Hopefully I'll also be somewhat successful, with a nice sum of money to my name, of course.

On a sidenote, I fancy disturbing things, if you havent realised it yet; I enjoy disturbing stories, books, movies. Damn it Palahniuk. Look at what you did to me. I'm such a special little snowflake, I know. That obviously makes me better than you, like duh.

Many times, I just feel like giving up trying to understand people and how they behave a certain (annoying) way. But man. I shouldn't forget my own selfish reasons. It's all part of the divine masterplan, isn't it? Isn't that what they say? Wait, it's not? 

I did something I shouldn't have with someone I shouldn't associate with any longer last week. But what the hell. It didn't mean anything. To me, at least. To you, may be another case worth analysing. For the moment, I'm quite content just watching you from my seat, smirking over your fall, being schadenfreude and all that jazz. This will come biting me in the ass sometime, so I better prepare iron pants to match my iron heart.

Oh, that's right, I dont particularly have a  heart.

i know, i know, i know, but it's so much easier said than done.
i hate the way i can dwell on my irrational thoughts and fears for way too long.
i need to stop being so needy and actually survive on my own two feet alone.
i shouldnt be allowed to think too much for my own good.
i hate it, i hate feeling this way.

on a sidenote, im glad you happened, even if eventually nothing will happen, im glad because you are my proof that i've moved on 100%.

 

painstakingly beautiful, these songs make me feel teary-eyed but warm inside.

perspectives

lately i've been kind of surrounding myself with people who have different perspectives, and it's kind of a good thing. you know, so you can always be challenged intellectually. you can always expand your knowledge and sharpen your arguments.

and dude, woah (i say woah all the time now). how you were brought up, your culture, your surroundings, your education... it all really determines your point of view. captain obvious, i know, but there's more to that than i imagined.

and i REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY need to work on my communication skills, as someone pointed out, i evidently did not manage to convey what i wanted to say perfectly. fuck that

woah at new blogger layout

on a sidenote, i figured it's just impossible to try and please everyone.
so im gonna stop doing that.
im just gonna be whatever the fuck i want to be.
of course i have a set of rules, i always learn what not to do and why not, but sometimes i just cant help it.
i respect your opinion, but fuck you.

time for another dazed blogpost written at around 3 am.

these few weeks had been a bit just a tad bit different and difficult, but i managed to get by.
first of all, let me just announce that yes, vic, we are all selfish machines. but being selfish wont get you far.
i've been on this charade of "no-longer-wanting-to-be-a-nice-person-and-getting-all-stepped-on" but yeah.
the only reason things worked out for me in the end is because i WAS being a nice person and that people realised it ultimately. they always come back.
apologies arent the hardest thing to do, but rather acknowledging you made a mistake in the first place.
and sometimes, trying to fix things just isnt the brightest thing to do. sometimes, it only made them worse.
and i realised i shouldnt be too offended by things. i should've been more stoical, remember?
once you become stoical, you're indestructible.
and time heals. time heals quicker than betadine. the pain subsides.

right now, im juggling 3 books: Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club, David Sedaris' Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, and F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.
and re-reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by the almighty Oscar Wilde.
next on my list:
Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting, Palahniuk's Damned, Snuff, and Choke, J. D. Salinger's the Catcher in the Rye, and more Sedaris. and probably, re-read the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
ah, books. good books open minds. i need to read more books. my mind could use more expanding, my vocabulary more enrichment.
all the interesting people are the ones who read.
if you dont read, you better start reading.

i am very preoccupied by this seemingly perfect guy in my lecture who looks as if he just walked out of a skateboarding magazine. stop it. stop being so perfect, rendering me stupid and hopeful that i might get to talk to you and actually start something.

perspectives, how very cheeky of you.
respect others' opinions, no matter how stupid they might be.

once you get through all of it, you will become stoical. indestructible.

if only im witty and charming, so that everything can go absolutely my way.

life recently

been doing nothing productive but discovering different bands from different genres.
Brand New is a good band for this transition tho. I've been listening to Deja Entendu on repeat.

well then.

im guilty for 10/15 of these
lolzies

Where there used to be hope is now emptiness. Vague feelings aside, I cant seem to fight the currents in my head. It draws me deeper in my thoughts and I hate having to subside in myself. I’d much rather cave in someone else’s thoughts because they are not familiar. Having these familiar thoughts is demonizing. What used to be inexplicable is now simply boredom.  I’d like to challenge myself to new heights, new disturbances, new fantasies that can never be fulfilled. I need hunger, I need thirst. I need the feeling that I’ll never be satisfied, because then I can advance. Or, at least I’ll feel like I have to advance. However, some things on my mind keep growling and biting and thriving on borderline violence. They anchor and agitate me.

I can’t help but feeling angsty.

Deliver me. Or wait to see if I can grow my own wings.

this honestly devastated me, no, i didnt cry, but it is really disappointing. he's such a great, talented guy, and OMM is an equally great band but he's just their biggest point-of-difference, OMM just wont be the same without him. but, looking at the positives, he's actually trying to get better, and this is a very considerate move. besides, shay's still alive, and he can still make music and sing, we'll just have to support his decisions. we really do love you, shay, and as long as you're happy, we'll be by your side.

i just feel selfish tho, cos a part of me like... died, when i found out he left. i know i'll still love both shay and OMM.. but a small voice in my head kept saying "please come back when you're better" :'(

im pissed, and i dont know why.

well maybe stupidity, but these days i should come up with a way more elaborate reason than that.
but well... stupidity.
and i dont know, i guess i just needed some space. some time to waste my life away thinking about what could happen, what would happen, what just happened. and why. why did things not work out the way we planned it, why did one behave a certain way, why am i still up when i have to wake up earlier in the morning.
but yeah. i guess i'll just keep being a wallflower and ask stupid questions no one can be bothered to answer.
i guess things have changed tho. i'd like to see how this goes.
i need some space. i need some space. i need to vent. i need to be angry, to be sad, to be confused.
im tired.
but i'll work it out. all part of the learning process, right?

i checked out my blog entries from the beginning i started blogging here, and my tumblr, and some of my chatlogs.. i've really changed. hopefully for the better and stronger.

just another night of first world problems, right? i got no problems big enough that i worry about all these slightly mundane issues that i probably share with a few million others.
sometimes i wonder if im ever really that special.

your love was foreign to me

i dont know man, this is just a beautiful song.

got my feet on solid ground.

i have nothing worthy enough to write, but it's better than nothing, right?

oh, i figured i kinda have a job now, just had my trial shift and i'll be officially working tomorrow at this small bakery. i'll be working in the front, or as my friend like to call it.. im the 'store bitch'. but being a first time store bitch isnt that easy. i mean, do you know how many trays of bread i have to carry and put into the display? how hot and heavy they are? how narrow are the spaces that i keep bumping around? how the hat doesnt fit my head and hair properly, i look like crap? how my shirt is hard to button?  how quick i have to let go of the milk container so i dont burn it when i foam it? how i have to quickly put in bread in plastic wrappers before the customers' judging eyes? how early i have to wake up just to get minimum wage?

and if you dont know that im being overdramatic there, you shouldnt even be reading my blog.

first-part-time-job-anxiety aside, things have been going pretty slow lately... that is until i get all my questionnaires back for my assignment, then it'd be hell. there goes my social life... out the window :D
but hey, it's almost the end of january! whew. only one month-ish to go before i get to watch my bros in Soundwave!

oh, and can i just say, i love Chuck Palahniuk. the man's a genius. ugh, i wish i can write like him. he's so twisted and yet so brilliant. i might not be blessed with half his intelligence nor wit but man, i wanna be able to arrange words and stories and ideas so well and simplistic... yet so elaborate and deep.

and my room has a new tenant for these 2 weeks! my cousin is temporarily moving in. im so used to living alone, i need to polish my restraints, they were getting a bit rusty. but i've been on my best behaviour so far :3
well the only thing i really need to restrain was my early morning wailings to shayley bourget's voice, really.
kellin has officially met his match!

If wailing mindlessly at 5 AM is a crime, then I'm guilty, and that song is the motive.
I'm sorry Shay, but you should really share some of your talent with me. Or at least be my mentor.

 

okay, i found out that my babe was the one who wrote this song. and this is one of my favourite songs from them. so.....

i wish i can get alan printed on a medium sized poster so i can hang it above my bed tho :3

ah, im in love.

seriously one of the best lyrics i've came across

Have Heart - Armed With A Mind

Caked up and faked up, she's obsessed with the outside
Nothing earned, too afraid to fail, so she lead a hollow life void of insight
Loving what you see but hating what you think because between your mind and your body
There's a missing fucking link that leaves you vulnerable, susceptible to pain
You're a garden of potential submerged in the rain

True beauty can't be seen with the eyes

Armed, armed with a mind
I'm going to strengthen my action with thought
Make use of the gift that I got and walk fearless because I'm armed with a mind
A weak offense when you step to this
Mind over matter is power over fists
I walk fearless because I'm armed with a mind

I walk fearless with a mind far greater than a fucking fist

Spineless and mindless, you flex your muscles and not your fucking head
A deep man with a strong point made without one thoughtful word said
Huff and puff, the fierce fists will do the talking, can't speak for yourself so your crew's with you walking
Tell me what's worth fighting for and it better be something greater than an evening of the score

Boy, your true strength sleeps behind your eyes

It's the absent minded fool who's afraid to think, to extend an open hand, to dare to earn a thing
It's the gift inside your head not to take for granted because an unexaminded life is a seed unplanted
As the animals, they can't reason but as humans we can, so are you just a wild animal or a rational man?
Our bodies take you nowhere, might does not make right
There's a gift inside your head called your mind

im mildly obsessed

..... with Alan Ashby

summer? SUMMAH?

summers arent supposed to be, like, 21 degrees during the day. but whatever, i like the cold.
quite an empty summer,  i say. some of my closest mates arent back here yet, i really miss them. but im alright, i have mates here too. but things just arent the same, huh?
especially that im only doing one subject, havent started on my assignment, and i havent gotten a job. im looking for one, i really hope i'll get one soon. these expenses on tickets, merch, and albums are making me worried.
i've spent almost 2 years here in melbourne, and you dont have to ask me how much i've changed. in good and bad ways. i feel weird.

i've grown smarter. and smart people are never too happy. im not saying im smart, but i havent been feeling too happy lately anyway. maybe that's why people choose to be ignorant. the truth, or our perception of it, can sometimes be too hard to handle. it's difficult not to be bitter when you know the ugly truth.
but wait, smart people arent simply those who know the truth. im just one of those people who can be bothered to think about things many people dont. and torturing myself for it. sweet misery. im licking my blood off my self-inflicted wounds. 

you wanna know the true colours of a person? screw up. fuck with them (metaphorically). see how they react. how far and quick they pull back all the nice words they mindlessly vomit. once a person compliments you too easily, one will take them back the same way. real compliments are hard to earn and sustain.

somebody should conduct a class in for people who are tired of shit. what kind of class would that be? the class where we discuss the annoying things in life and how to deal with it.

by the way, good to know you still care.

and it feels good to just gaze at your laptop screen while listening to la dispute when you have too much in your mind.

here's to the new year's

I don't have many wishes for 2012. Other than probably...
1. Not fuck up
2. Get a part time job
3. Actualize dedication to bands
4. Go to as many concerts possible
5. Stress less about stupid ppl and stuff
6. Move on 100%

By the way, Shayley Bourget's voice is fucking amaaaazing. Of Mice and Men is awesome.
Yes, yes, Shay, I am too young to live this way.

"isn't your main aspiration in life just to eat and sleep?"
"lol. pfft please... what's yours?"

*long pause*

"music... yeah, music."
"loooooooooool" *pulls a mocking face*
"i'm gonna do something about it. im devoting my life to music, to bands... you'll see mate, you'll see."