something to shine about

this will probably be a long post. i like to do end of the year recaps.

so yeah, 2011.. the year began great, went shitty before my birthday (worst birthday so far too lol), and it’s been a roller coaster road ever since.

first year in uni! i got a more than average for the overall result, but it wasn’t as good as i expected :(
 and yeah, i made loads of new acquaintances and a few new friends, met a bunch of cool tutors, a few awesome ones. i have one aussie ‘friend’ (finally) yayy haha. yes, it is a big deal.
some subjects i took are great, mindblowing, like… media. hahaha. easily the best subject i’ve taken so far. my media tutor is the coolest, nicest tutor too.
french was great too, but… why were you a little less than i expected this sem, huh? :’(
i’ve been having (still) this dilemma of staying or leaving commerce and going to arts. lol. maybe if things ended up really badly in the commerce area or something. cos my breadth subjects are the highest scoring ones, much more than the commerce subjects. does that tell you anything?

music-wise, this has been an AWESOME year. i discovered to tons of good bands which became favourites in just a short period of time. You Me At Six, Sleeping With Sirens, We Are The Ocean (found my lovely drummer), Pierce The Veil, La Dispute, Man Overboard, The Wonder Years, The Amity Affliction, Lower Than Atlantis… to name a few.
this year i watched concerts too!
A Day To Remember & Underoath, You Me At Six & We The Kings, and Counter Revolution.
Let’s not forget meeting WATO boys in CR. I’ve met my kind of the-most-gorgeous-guy-on-earth… in real life :’)

but yeah, other things aren't as great. neither is my state of mind.
it's pretty safe to say that i've lost contact with many of my highschool friends. not particularly something i favour, but i didnt do anything much to it either. because we all change. or maybe them, not so too freaking much. not as much as i did. i realise people may see me coming off as an arrogant prick but that's just the way it is, the fact is that many of them dont have to go through the changes that i went through. a few years in melbourne turned me different. no, im not saying my highschool friends are inferior beings. i just.. no longer feel as comfortable around so many of them. im not saying this works for all of my friends. ah, you'll get what i mean. that's why i kinda moved on. and i expect nothing so i dont get disappointed in anything. if you wanna hang out, i'm still available. just dont be too surprised if im not the same. but heck, i conceal it pretty well, as long as i dont have to say anything about it.

speaking of moving on.... yeah. it's officially over. we almost made it to 2.5 years. but whatever, right? it's not like you care. it's not like anyone cares. i wish i could say the same, tho. it kills me that i still care, no matter how hard i deny. it's pretty pointless. maybe i should stop resisting, if that's the only way. what sucks the most is knowing that things will never be the same again between us. i wish it would. i wish, in a sorry way, even though we're no longer together, things wouldn't change. but if i keep wishing that, it only proves that i haven't been learning anything these past couple of years. i told you im a learner, it's time to man up and put principles into practice. at least you cant say im still in denial. im fucking ready. im moving on. i have been doing so even before it happened. so it wont hurt as much. well it didnt hurt as much then. but i dont know, sometimes i can feel it creeping up on me. i'm alright though, i swear i am.

im really sorry if i've been a very negative person lately. and negativity can be contagious. so i apologise. but,

this is a phase im going to have to go through. i dont know if it turns me better/worse in the long term. however, i'll deal with it accordingly. i'm perfectly fine. kind of. i dont wanna fish for drama. i dont wanna sound like im a total fucking train wreck inside, because i dont feel that way too often. people should stop being drama queens, you know many of you are just either fishing for attention/sympathy for first world problems. i also dislike that many people feel the need to reveal everything, including their mental health problems, to the world. i know you're not proud of it, but i think we should be careful. dont give people any more reason to hurt you, because by explicitly telling the world what's wrong with you.. they can and will use that against you. and im not trying to be mysterious or whatever. it's just something i learned. 

i realised that im always easily amused, but never easily impressed. other things:

i tend to have random moments and i laugh the longest over the stupidest/most random reasons.

i never try to be someone else that im not. not even on the internet. i can adjust my attitude according to who im with or talking to, but not my personality. 

people tell me i have a mind of a 21 year old (at least), but that doesn't mean i cant act childish sometimes.

im no longer that strong academically, but i swear im not stupid. i can think for myself. 

i cant live in autarky, but it's a strong value i can learn a lot from. the good parts, at least. 

and yeah, i think the #1 for a 'pet peeve' that's been massively bothering me this year goes to fanatic fans of anything. because when you go fanatic, you go idiotic and deny all common sense as long as your idol(s) win or are the best. you cant accept other people's point of views or opinions, much less defeat. they demand respect and shit when they barely show any. 

#2 probably goes to fake fans. those who only like bands/musicians just because they're physically attractive. they go mindless over their beauty (be it genuine or fake), and nothing else matters, even though they might not like the music. or are that good. but yeah. democracy and whatnot. respect others' opinions, no matter how stupid they might be. no matter how much you disagree. 

sigh. yeap. 

in like a week i'll be going to Bali. Thank goodness for the beaches. I desperately need to unwind there.

2012? well, if the world ends in 2012.. at least i wont have to put up with a lot of shit anymore. but i dont wish so, i still wanna travel the world and do many different things, and go to many more concerts.

yeah, i've fallen deeply in love with concerts. that's the one place where everything makes sense. where i fit in. it really is transcendental, no exaggeration. it's the 2nd best feeling in the world.

 

2012, come at me, bro.

exams are finally over. been kind of a shit semester despite my love for media studies that grows stronger by time. celebrated with ice cream, the girls and i made our own chicken katsu curry (which was awesome, btw), watched blades of glory, and laughing our guts off at the stupidest things. looking forward for a hopefully great brunch tomorrow. cant tell them enough how much i love them. cant thank them enough that they're still here despite my stupidities/weirdness/randomness/occasional misantrophy.

this is just a quick update tho, it's 3.43 AM and i'm supposed to sleep now.
i promise i'll write something longer when i reach jakarta. yes, i will be going back tomorrow morning :)

however, despite i enjoy the time spent with close friends wholeheartedly, i still need some space, some balance. i guess that's part of the reason i stay up this late (the other being my night owl, even though i AM sleepy). just me alone with music and my laptop. besides i have so many, too many things in my mind.

and you know something? it's really hard not to express how much i still care about you. i guess i still can, but it's kinda different now. or not. it's all blurry, it's always been.
i am looking forward to jakarta, it's just that something i look forward to most is no longer existent.

mind so loud, surroundings so silent.

you know i loved you more

cant get over Man Overboard. their songs and lyrics are mindblowingly sweet, without the layers of cheese. well done guys.

"you and i were meant to be the glue that held the world together."
"so as i swallowed these pills, i pray for the sunshine."
"i can speak all day, and not speak enough. sleep all day, and not sleep it off."
"the paranoia makes me love you more."
"and i hope for your sake, i miss you more than you miss me."
"oh if you only knew, the amount of thought that i put into you."
"they dont make kids like me anymore."
"i just got the nerve to get in the cage, so don't bite me now."
"i left my feelings with my wallet and my keys."
"im blinded by the promise of happiness if i can find it."
"maybe i have no heart, cos all i can remember was feeling so lost. you dont know how bad i wanna tell you everything."
"and maybe what he told her was all she ever needed to hear."
"it's like they needed two separate planets to make it stop."
"fading away at a sickening rate can put things in perspective for you."
"live everyday without any regret of falling back into you. we hold heads high while bullets fly."
"i wrote some lonely lyrics to paint a picture to let you know."
"and i know that i've been asking a lot but, would you run away with me right now? i've got the whole world figured out."
"but we're just two different people."


"you know i loved you more."

Everybody wants a reason for everything.
It’s so much easier with someone or something to blame.

I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem.
Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense?

I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy.
I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason.
I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down.
Not just in stories, but the letters in between.
And I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything-
to self-examine.

I think the thing is that I shut off from everything.
From friends and family and my own ambitions.
From having fun.
I just shut off from everything.

Self-defeating? Yeah, probably.
But I don’t know that I had total control over it.
And I’m not sure it even matters why.

Sometimes things happen and you can’t do anything.
Plus, I’m the only one who deals with it anyway.
So if everyone could do me a favor and
just put their fingers down
I’d-and keep your mouths-

Sorry. I know I seem angry.
I’m not, I…I promise. I just know I did this to me.
And I will deal with it accordingly.

And I don’t need opinions from those never a part of it.
Don’t need them pointing out my problems, they’re mine.
Don’t need reminders, I know better than anyone.

And yeah, I know, I should be finding another way.
I know that I should be out seeking a substitute.
But just forgetting never really made sense to me.

So I haven’t been.

Do I feel embarrassed about it?
I think you know the answer to that.
I think you’d probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me,
wouldn’t you?

I know I should’ve moved on ages ago, been happy already,
but it’s never been that easy for me.
Or maybe it was me that made it so hard.

I know I’ve only ever tried a handful of times
to sever this thing torturing me.
It never got me anywhere, with anyone.
No friendship or hobby, no lover’s bed worked.

But looking back I maybe never tried hard enough,
and it is my fault.

Maybe I never tried at all.

oh how they always wait for me

i cant seem to get this song out of my head. and tonight i feel so restless, idk.
this band is one of the most unique bands i discovered. and their lyrics are basically poems.
their other songs are more oriented towards spoken words/hardcore.
and listening to this band is best done through headphones.

 She forced a smile, said,
"Boy, come kiss my mouth—I'll set you free.
You know that hope you're holding to? It looks an awful lot like fear.
Now, you're so quick to fall on failure, and so quick to raise your voice, like,
'If I can't find a mistake to blame, we didn't have a choice.'

Oh, but you had option.
I was your chance to feel complete,
But when I leaned in close to you, you
Kissed your fear instead of me.

You had my hand in your hand,
You had my lip in your teeth,
You had my heart on your sleeve,
You had a chance to breathe.

But, boy, you wouldn't let your fear recede so I moved on.

And it's too late to change your mind now,
You got scared, boy, and I got gone.
Now you failed, and there's no way to turn back time.
You had your chance, boy, I tried."

"You tried?" I looked her in the eye and smiled,
"My girl, you must understand that fear is not some product that I made.
It crept unwelcome in my head the day they had her torn away.
It changed me.

Now at the end of everyday I lie awake at night and wait
To feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and
Hear my beaten heart exclaim, 'Still, I refuse to let her go.'"

So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.
Oh, how they always wait for me.

If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free.

And I'm sorry, dear, but don't you dare say another word.
How could I risk holding your heart in me while still in love with her?

You were wrong."

fireworks

so yeah it's been a week. it's still kept on the down low, not because im too sad to tell everyone that, im not even that sad anymore. it's just this overwhelming disappointment that creeps on my back, hanging heavily as it feeds on distant memories and meaningless conversations. the monster on my back keeps telling me to look back, to look at it, to look at him, but i know it's no use. when the castle you made out of expectations crumble, you know there's no use to cry over the debris, and there's no point of going over and analysing them for days and days. well, not really. it's because i know it's already been under attack, and i can only defend for so long, with my ammo running out, shields falling. it slowly penetrates your heart, eating it out, alive, slowly, burning like acid. gradually turning you into a zombie, lifeless, but with this relentless hunger. to find the unseekable. cant be cured. it's never easy, it hasn't been easy, but there's no use grieving over a dead body because your tears don't perform miracles of resurrection. after feeling unempowered for so long, i finally got the courage to sever the ties. and it was much easier for you than me.

as of now, i am no longer your anchor. your compass. your sea.

no, im not grieving over the dead.

im slowly, but surely, rebuilding the castle, not from expectations and silly dreams. slowly gathering myself back together. finding the lost pieces to strengthen me.

i just really need to be motivated, much more than anything.

counter revo

it was pretty much amazing. im just really bummed i didnt get to see WATO for a long time, because the lines are fucking long and the security guards gave us a real hard time just to get in. but at least i got to see them, they’re amazing live, i love love love Liam’s voice… and they signed their picture. i love how Jack, Tom, and Dan are really smiley and friendly. and Tom was wearing a shirt, which is kinda unlike him, and his smile.. :3

Alesana’s live show is pretty.. weird. Thanks to Shawn. But they’re alright.

Funeral For A Friend!! they’ve been one of my favourite bands for so long, being able to see them live and so close made me really happy :)) My favorite was roses for the dead, it was amazing. too bad they didn’t play red is the new black.

Story of the Year was.. alright. Yellowcard too. This Providence is pretty good, thank goodness
I had a great time during ATL.. well I love them, but I kinda dislike having to be stuck like a tuna, and my height doesn’t help either. my knees hurt after all that jumping, but ATL was great :) i love how Jack and Alex kept teasing each other and be cheeky

DRUGS! they were great. i love Craig.
Panic was good, but I only watched a few songs. They’re awesome, they also have this cool vibe that made everyone chilled.

i got myself a WATO tee and a Man Overboard CD.
one hell of a day :’)

unreal

 his morning, i was woken up harshly by not the alarm on my phone, but on the building. as i looked out the window, the sky was odd-coloured. it was dirty yellow with a hint of grey, i hate it. nobody was out on the lobby. nobody in those houses across my window. nobody walking past and smoking on the chairs. it felt quite like post-apocalypse, and i'm starting to get a bit worried, but i kept my crown of wishful thinking and crashed back to bed. it's not that i can sleep well afterwards anyway, but i just desperately needed to close my eyes. after being an hour late to my group meeting, spicy paella and dirty vacuum-cleaning, i had some time to think and decide. but it's out of my hands now, i can only cross my fingers.

i thought a lot last night. rolled up in my bed, feeling disturbed by the disturbing stories i just read, i listened to kellin on my ipod but i can feel the silence. it's weirdly amusing to feel the loud silence creeping up the atmosphere, the same time as music playing in your ear. it reminds me that im alone. alone under the cross above my bed.

i thought about what i propose as the lucifer syndrome: how one person can be seen or perceived as an angel at one time, but then drastically turned into a demon. especially without careful thinking and listening. this usually happens when their hearts overruled their minds, or as my friend told me, when their expectations are crumbled and reality then hit them hard.

such an incredible downfall, that is honestly amusing to observe.

most of the time, i'm interested in the reasons for their downfall, or transformation, if you like. and this usually happens when lovers turn to haters, best friends turn to strangers.

i'm trying hard not to be contaminated with this disease. it's not that i don't admit change, people do change, but some people are simply wolves in sheep's clothing. maybe we all need a magic mirror to unveil these trickeries and save all the heartache. but then again, what fun will it be? encoding people is fun. you get to have these expectations and you venture to seek if they are true to some extent, secretly wishing that your first impressions are always correct so you can brag about it afterwards about your amazing premonition skill of some sort.



however, some people just don't understand or accept the change. and this unfamiliar being became the 'others'. and we are afraid of the 'others'. the unknown. the mysterious, sometimes. familiarity is security. but it doesn't stop there, because  if the transformation is too drastic, too fast, and the brain isn't utilised, then it also tells about the person judging. it reflects their short-mindedness and ignorance. if you're so quick to judge, it will come back to you someday, biting you in the ass.


i wonder if my life had been laid out to me. i wonder if i can predict my life in the near future; what job i'll have, which suits i'll use, which suburb i'll live in, which car i'll drive, which guy is (un)lucky enough to end up marrying me, which name should i pick for my kids, which colour the house should be, which college my kids are going to, which insurance company i'll use to secure my retirement, what will i tell my lawyer to be written in my will. this life sounds so damn ordinary. i want security, but not routine. i want commitment, but not dry romance. i want everything to be special, and if it isn't i'll try to make it be.

i dont want some stupid wedding reception attended by 500+ guests i dont really care about for the sake of politeness.
i dont want to get married for the sake of getting married.
i dont want some small suburban house just like every other house in the neighbourhood.
i dont want some random desk job just so i can pay the bills.
i dont want to become a soccer mom.
i dont want to travel on some shitty tour where other tourists act like their own people, and only after i retired; i'll be too old by then, i'm not strong enough.
i dont want to write songs or poems that no one will ever read or listen to.
i dont want a husband i cant connect to emotionally.
i dont want to be stuck in the stupid rat race, and my days had started to feel like it.

i need a way out.

oh, and sinners are actually very realistic people. i proudly wear my 'sinner' bracelet and i love when people stared at it. you cant be a saint when you know you still messed up. hell, even when you dont mess up, it doesn't guarantee you sainthood. if you proclaim that you're a saint, then you really aren't. like He said, the person who are sin-free can throw the first rock, right? everyone's a sinner. i'd much rather have 'sinner' written on my bracelet than 'saint', because then you set other-worldly expectations about yourself. i'm just being realistic.

a proud sixer

You Me At Six. 30 August 2011, The Hi-Fi, Melbourne

i thought i wouldn't be able to see them live that night, but i did. i was already feeling bummed bigtime, but then my dear friend Jane decided she didn't want to come home yet and she'd take me there. I paid for half her ticket price but I didnt care, I was too psyched to be able to see my favorite band live.

The venue was just down the road on Swanston street, but I forgot my passport so I had to go back and get it... and I managed to forget my keys and stuff, but eventually we got in just before We The Kings performed. We got a spot by the staircase not far from the stage, so we got almost eye-level with the band.

Then YMAS came out and they're amazing, so fucking amazing live. It's really an incomparable bliss when you finally hear these people, who wrote and played these songs you sing along and cried to at night, in the same room as you, just a few meters away.

and i swear, i had eye contact with Max Helyer. or so i think. he's probably thinking, wow, this asian girl knows all the lyrics to our songs!

Matt is the hottest that night haha. His hair doesn't look so emo now, and it makes him a lot cooler. I've always seen Josh as more of the big-brother type. And Max used to be really cute but his beard and hair made him look weirder... but I like his smile haha.

but yeah, they played all the songs i loved, from both Hold Me Down and Take Off Your Colours. and i recorded fireworks. :')

sinners never sleep, baby

the amazing 'sinner' bracelet

ran well out of money but it was all well spent. im just bummed i didnt have enough at that time to pre-order a (might be signed) copy of their new album, Sinners Never Sleep. oh well.

setlist:
1. The Consequence
2. Kiss and Tell
3. Save It for the Bedroom
4. Playing the Blame Game
5. Loverboy
6. Safer to Hate Her
7. Trophy Eyes
8. If I Were In Your Shoes
9. Fireworks
10. Liquid Confidence
11. Stay With Me
12. Underdog

i love all of those songs, too bad they didnt play You've Made Your Bed and Gossip haha

and i cant be grateful enough for each and every one of them; Josh, Matt, Max, Dan, and Chris. Their songs, Josh's voice, accompany me well through my toughest times. I cant tell you how much I've played Fireworks on repeat. And compliment on their amazing riffs and brilliant lyrics.

I promise, the time I see Josh Franceschi, I'd give him a hug. Hell, I'd give each and every one of them a hug :)

not everyone is faking

not everyone is unhappy.
and the happy people, well, they might just be. dont assume the ones who are happiest are sad within.
sometimes, we just don’t look happy or sad. we don’t feel them either.
and it’s not a bad thing.
we’re actually alright. we have a lot in our minds, but we’re not losing it.
we’re okay.
we always say we’re depressed, we ‘hate’ life.. nah. not really.
i’m more than glad to be alive, more than grateful for what i have.

what a purpose-less post, but hey. 

*neglect*

im sorry to neglect you, dear bloggie. it's not that i dont have anything to say, but... there's a lot of things to do, an academic blog to take care of.. and tumblr. haha. dont worry bloggie, you're still my hubbie too :3
okay enough baby talk.
updates:
1. Soundwave Revo is cancelled (damn) but Jane and I will be going to a replacement festival... with ATL, FFAF, PATD, DRUGS, SOTY, Yellowcard.. not bad. but no WATO (ie. no Tommy :(( )

2. picking up awesome semiological analysis skillz from media. now i tend to overthink everything haha. just then i did a semiological analysis on The Amity Affliction's Youngbloods' album cover and their song, I Hate Hartley. God, I love that song. Seriously.

3. Sleeping With Sirens is reeeeeeeeaaaalllllllyyyyy goooooood. no exaggeration. and Kellin Quinn is a great singer. not many guys can have that vocal range. and scream too. Let's Cheers To This is definitely, definitely a worthy album.

4. reconcilliation?

5. You Me At Six, in a week, and im not watching ;___________; unless a miracle happens

6. Also the Arctic Monkeys in January

7. AM I TOO HIPSTER FOR YOU GUYS HUH
I NEED TO FIND MORE HIPSTER MATEYS, EVEN THO IM BARELY HIPSTER TO BE HIPSTER
NEVERTHELESS I AM PROUD OF THE MUSIC I LISTEN TO
between my friends, im an anomaly. a proud one too :)


"sometimes you gotta fall before you fly."
- who are you now - sws

asdf

hello. im sleepy. its 3.51 AM and i need sleep. but im upset. no im not. yes i might be. stupid freaking moodswings. a little too upset to sleep. if only people could survive with no sleep. we would be a little bit more productive. altho spending hours doing nothing and escaping reality seems nice too. but yesterday i got a terrible dream and now i dont feel like sleeping. but i have church tomorrow. and tons of homework. and maybe exercise. im chubby. i guess. uni life is boring. french is hard. media is even harder. macro is macro. management is boring as hell. i hope i get new friends at tutes. perhaps. im now the eevee girl. eevee is freaking cute and awesome. i want to glomp a slowpoke. im listening to rise against. im tired. i need to buy milk tomorrow. pop is for pussies. loljk. actually no im not. sike. yawn. i feel like a vegetable. i want a warm scone. some hot chocolate with marshmallows. speaking of which where is the damn certificate. i want a job. i want money. i miss my guitar. i need to write some more lyrics. i need to be inspired. this will never happen if i dont fix my sleeping pattern. harry poter 7 part 2 is freaking awesome. baileys smells so amazing. but if you drink too much it tastes like cough meds. moscato wine is sweet. no im not drunk. drunk people dont write a blogpost at 4 AM. i miss you but you dont miss me. you dont even care. im cranky. im happy. i need to cook eggs. froot loops. friends are stagnant. time is ticking. eyelids closing.

dont tell me that im ordinary

mindless misantrophic ramble

im starting to sound and/or become more and more misantrophic, and i apologise for that. but i cant help it. i mean really. with the people around, some "friends" you have.
we're really dancing in a downspiralling society. or maybe i am.
some of my friends hinted that im a loner. well.. now, i feel so much more individualistic than ever.
it's just easier being alone sometimes.
you dont have to impress anyone, feel obligated to fill in awkward silences, conform to the norm.
being around people i cant stand just isnt that bearable anymore.
it's not that i dislike people around me, it's just that it gets harder and harder to find people i genuinely like and tolerate being around with. i dont particularly like a lot of people... most of the time i just tolerate them but that's basically it. it's a lot more difficult to get impressed nowadays. but i dont dislike a lot either, tho.
do know the difference, i hate it when people jump into conclusions about me, when in reality they dont know shit about me. thinking in black and white, when there are numerous shades of gray lying in between.
there are days when i just feel the urge to me completely misantrophic; even random details of random people i see on the street piss me off.

my dad. i cant stand my dad. i think i love him just because i had to, used to, because he's my dad and he's spent a lifetime raising my sister and i.
as an individual, im not a fan of him.
in my eyes, he's kind of a hypocrite. he's been having this revelation and in these late couple of years, he's becoming a lot more religious. he shot me a dirty look when i refused to go to church to pray with them (during weekdays). he thinks im not religious, and that is considered a vice.

well i'll tell you what dad, i might just listen to what you have to say when you start to practice what you preach. i know hell well you've went through so much more than i have, but im not a complete, ignorant fool either. for someone with such short-temper, truckloads of bad judgement throughout his life (plus being judgemental along the way), black-and-white perspective, mild xenophobia, and pride as big as the moon... you think too highly of yourself.
plus he often lets my mom down, and that is completely unacceptable.
and the most annoying part is that some of his bad habits rubbed off on me. im not blaming him completely for that, but it cant be denied that he's got some influence on my personality after all these years. i snap and yell so much more when im with him. i lose my control.
my dad brings out the worst in me.

i promise, when i grow up, i will never be a person like him.

and i cant help but despise the fact that some of my friends act like they're in their own universe.
i know i sound so cocky right now, im sorry, but that's the truth.
some of them dont have to go through changes i went through. sometimes i just feel like some of them are pretty... close-minded. the little things they rant about, the way they react to a problem in their lives.. it gets tiring.
and i dont appreciate them understating the term "anti-social" as easy as they do.

oh and im in a dilemma. i cant be 100% liberal when it comes to the people i care about, but at the same time, i cant do much about it. for example, a friend of me smokes. the way i see this:
1. you're an adult now, you make your own decisions, and you learn from it eventually. i have no authority to forbid you to do anything. besides, we all consume things that we know is bad for us, but we still do anyway.
2. you're my friend and you're doing the wrong thing. you know it is nothing but destructive yet you turn the fucking blind eye to it and think nothing of the consequences. stop it. wake the fuck up. look at me, im trying to save you here. divert you to a better path. or simply cease your actions. whatever. you listen to me and you'll thank me someday.

fuck MTV, it's been dead for a year for me. i find my own music now.
sometimes i hate how most of my friends dont listen and appreciate what i listen to.. but i feel the same about most of their music so im not surprised. being an oddball in this case... im just glad im able to find beauty where people around me dont.
yes im really proud of that, what makes you think im not?
not many around me can appreciate (or barely listen to) metalcore or hardcore. appreciating pop music or slow music is so easy. if you can appreciate, understand, and love these (not just jumping on the bandwagon tho), i raise my hat off to you.

meanwhile... we just kinda lost the spark. im in limbo.
i have a little more than a week to decide.

to conclude this ramble... i'll be alright.

where the city meets the sea

sunset at St. Kilda, 30 June 2011

p.s. i agree with Vic, "my love for you is bulletproof, but you're the one who shot me."

last night here!

yep yep im finally not sleeping here anymore tmr! which is kind of a bummer in some ways. the bed here is much comfier than my new bed. so, for the first and the last time, im on the bed with my laptop cos i love the bed so much.

the little things im going to miss:
the way the sun shines through the blinds when it's morning.
the big wardrobe.
the way it's closer to the city.
the big workspace in the pantry.
the shitty wardrobe door/mirror where i see my crappy morning face and hair.
the easy access key.
the way i can easily go anywhere in the room with just a few steps.
the way i can easily turn to the TV when im sitting on the desk.

it's not that i loved this place so much, it's just that i've spent a year here and i've went through SO much in this room, worked on so many assignments, sang, cried, acted crazy...
this place has been my sanctuary for a year.

so, goodbye 683 :')

i feel like melancholistic ballad songs atm haha.

p.s. i still remember when you came over on the new year afternoon, you sat on the sofa and we studied for a while. then you sat down on the floor, ate cookies, while we listen to the songs in our ipods using the dock and then we watched AFV. we spent the whole day together, just us both, and talked about everything. it was one of the best days ever, hands down. when i sit down, every time i looked right, i still kinda wish you were still there, with the laptop on your lap.

just a mini update while waiting for the cake to bake in the microwave.
it's almost a year since i've arrived here, in this lovely plateau, and set for a new chapter in my life.
and really, time really flies like a fucking supernova.
these days i've been going back and forth moving some stuff out. for a year, i lived in a cramped little 1-bedroom apartment, and now, i got something like nearly thrice bigger. and many of my friends live here, so it's nice to know that they're a door knock away.
my parents and sister will arrive in less than 4 days, helping me move out.
i wont be coming home until the 9th, which pisses me off so much. i 'wasted' another week in melbourne when everyone else is in indonesia, and im stuck with my dad and sister. not that it's a really bad thing, but i prefer spending a week of holiday in my own home. that only leaves me 2 weeks, just 2 short weeks back home. oh well. still grateful.
i rant too much about change already; i know things constantly change and i dont feel like making another post about it atm. but one thing that doesnt seem to change: my fucking panda eyes.

solitude doesn't sound too bad. as long as it's kept on a healthy dose.

oh and yesterday, pinka and i need to go to the royal exhibition building to do our last exam; the french exam. the exam really isnt bad at all, but the journey there was.. it was fucking hailing! it was scary, small pieces of ice balls flew directly towards us, not above us. and the venue got even colder. back home, we made hot chocolate to celebrate, and we played the sims generations until almost midnight while baking muffins and cooking curry with cicil. we created 8 sims, each resembling our friends and ourselves and made it as realistic as possible, and we'll be making the guys as well when pinka comes back. and no, my guy wont be my current guy ;) it was real fun, we joked and laughed and gossiped and sang and impersonated stuff and all that after sims.

oh and btw last week we took a coffee-making course of about 3 hours and it was pretty fun, making coffee isnt as hard as it seemed, but yeah. it was kinda sad to know that all the coffee we made went down the drain. foaming the milk is the hardest part for me. but im glad to know i can at least make a relatively decent cup of coffee. im gonna look for a part time job next semester, hopefully in a nice cafe :)

it's also funny to see that i lost someone, and yet, someone else who i've lost contact with, which at one time i really despised for everything he did, now tries to get back to where we were. i mean, not that im complaining, im always glad to reconnect with a lost friend. but this time, im not gonna let my guard down. i will always be careful with what i say and do about and around you, because the scar in my back is still there.

been listening to a lot of the new album from the arctic monkeys and all time low. been into pop punk a lot lately, with pierce the veil's selfish machines, we the kings, and of course.. you me at six.
i really wanna watch them this august, is someone, anyone in melbourne area willing to accompany me? i love you if you will c:

p.s. if one tries to make a point and is unable to defend it when argued, one lost. like a paragraph with just a main sentence and no explanation is as good as none. JUZ SAYYINN.

keep it sexy

okay so. i was walking down the street and i saw an ad on a tram passing by. the tram was quite far but i managed to take a closer look at it.
the ad showed a close-up torso of a woman wearing a bikini. and by close-up, i mean just the breasts and the tummy. and the tagline below read "Keep Australia Beautiful". apparently, it was an ad for some sort of weight-loss food or something.
never in my life, i saw an ad that echoes perfectly the stuff i learned before.
and so far, it's one of the most despicable ads i've seen.

i cannot begin to fathom what drives the makers of this ad to accumulate everything not to do and put it into the embodiment of... this. this false sense that beauty comes from.. a sexy body.
just when other products are trying to convince that "beauty comes from within", "you are beautiful just the way you are", and all that, this ad managed to turn that all around.
heck, these ads and these similar things in the media and around us, that drives this new movement of "inner beauty ftw".

so what the hell is wrong with this ad? i can tell you a few things: "Keep Australia Beautiful". what exactly is the definition of "beauty" itself? nobody can really answer that unanimously. "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder", they say.
but, one thing for sure, it isn't measured solely on the size of your boobs or how sexy you are. i mean seriously. the boobs are there just to attract people's (mens') attention. if you want to keep the boobs anyway, you should at the fucking least change the word "beautiful" into "sexy" or "hot". they didnt even put any face or shit, the girl could even be a guy and no one would know. THIS, this is exactly why girls keep being insecure. being sexy does not make you beautiful. you can be the sexiest girl on the planet and you might not be beautiful. heck, guys should also know this. geez.
and the ad itself is for a weight loss product. i mean okay you might feel better when you lose weight, you feel like you look so much better, but really, does that happen to everyone? i myself know i felt better, looked better. but, i know people who are still very much insecure with slim/skinny bodies. i guess we girls are never satisfied, and these products thrive on our insecurities. linking the word and aspects of "beautiful" to a weight loss product is wrong on so many levels, in my opinion.

so you wanna lose weight. there's nothing wrong with that. so you feel a bit chubby and you need to cut some flabs. go for it.
but dont say you're so fugly and not beautiful.
i wont say "smile, you're beautiful just the way you are" because it's kinda lost its meaning but yeh, people should be able to distinguish between "beautiful" and "sexy". models and normal people. expectations and reality.
and be a little more grateful, for fuck sake, you could've been born blind or deaf or have cancer or something, being chubby is nothing compared to all those.

oh my god.

im slowly turning into a female version of you.
but heck, hopefully a much better one.

epiphany

i realized that the thoughts and memories i've held on so close are actually blinding me from seeing the reality in present time.
i've been fighting for the past, not the future, because the future is unseen and unpredictable. i was figting for something im so familiar with, something im so afraid to lose, which is the past.
the past is dead.
it comes to seemingly comfort you through good memories when all it's actually doing is torturing you with what can never be redone.
but still you hold on.
because it's too beautiful to be forgotten.
too big a part of your life.
the past, really is, what makes you who you are today.
i may have buried the past, attended its funeral, but the memories linger and haunt me.

it's time for me, soon, to wake up from limbo and separate the past from the present and future.

and i should remember, that what makes me who i am, isnt just the past, but also my dreams for the future.

change has never been easy for me. i dont really like change personally, but i know it's inevitable and usually it brings something better. i just wonder why it's never easy, certainly not this time.
i've lost quite a lot this time, and it doesn't get easier. im still struggling with change and accepting it.

im sad to say tho, things arent really getting better. you absolutely had to do it, you keep stealing my heart away. but why’d you have to take my smile along with it sometimes?

observational sidenote: good and bad is merely an opinion, but the fact that there will always be dual/multiple perspectives to a situation is inevitable, and the more we grow up, the more we need to embrace that.

exams in 2 days. SHIT I AM SCREWED.

p.s. random stuff:  i know im not multitalented, heck, i dont even think my so-called 'talents' are proven to be too worthy yet. i guess im not competitive or persuasive enough to be the best at anything atm, idk, icbf.
but.. i have a mind and a way of thinking that will completely blow you away.

i want a big brother. just saying.

someone a little older who knows a little better but doesnt patronize and judge.
someone with the similar interests.
someone who looks similar to you, so you can hear people say, “you look a lot like your brother!”
someone who you can depend and hang on to.
someone who kicks asses of guys who hurt you.
someone to share your mischiefs with.
someone you talk to and ask advice when the topic is incomprehensible by parents.
someone who constantly tease and make fun of you but love you to death.

after a week of feeling so fucking sorry for myself and happened,
i decided to move on.
you may never open my blog again ever, i dont care. or i do, but not that much anymore.
it hurts, you have no idea the magnitude of hurt you imposed upon me.
exams are coming. i need to focus.
i do hope it's not "goodbye for a lifetime" cos it doesnt feel that way for me.
maybe one day you'll come around, i dont know.
i thought we could be best friends for a long time, and even if we drift apart, it's because it happens naturally by time, not by deliberate separation. but well, you have your ways.
you may say i never learn, but trust me i do, i do learn from every little thing you say and do, i just dont.. learn it the way you think i would.
i feel so awful because i have these negative thoughts in my head.. i could've done something so bad to ruin you. but i cant.
i love you, even after everything. i wish you the best of luck ahead, you'll need it.
but remember, if you come knocking at my door one day, well.. i'll probably still be around.
cos when i say friends, i mean it.

so this is it?
fine.
the past is dead.
you're dead to me. it's easier that way.
i just have to find a way for it to not haunt me.

and yet.. "best friend means forever, cunt."

im self-righteous? haha okay. i'll take that. i never said my hands are completely clean.
and yeah, i boasted my so-called righteousness. i accept that as well.
but look where you are now and what you've become.
if you're trying to put yourself on a higher level, you're failing bigtime.
but you'll always deny that, wont you?
you'll never learn if you keep being so fucking ignorant.
swallow your pride a bit.
but if you wanna self-destruct, then i wish you the best of luck, since you're heading towards the right path anyway.. keep driving everyone away.
however, do acknowledge this. that night, i really wanted to tell you horrible things. i managed to keep it down because i wasnt in my best state of mind and neither were you. i didnt wanna say something so bad that i'd regret later.
i had "real big plans and such bad thoughts". but im trying so hard not to manifest them.
i wanted to destroy you. you were asking for it.
but i cant. despite everything, i do hope you'll come to your senses at some point.
you're still my friend. or at least, i still think you are.
you just dont need and want me to be your friend.
how ironic, some of my favorite people in the world often treat me like... junk mail.
sometimes i deserve that. other times, i just dont understand.

a night to remember.

Thursday, 12 May 2011. Festival Hall, Melbourne.

A Day To Remember with Underoath.

the day started shitty. I woke up from a nightmare about a creepy stalker. and it was raining all day. i didnt read the marketing article well and we had to do an impromptu presentation about it.i waited for the tram for so long under the rain and splashes from moving cars. stepped into a huge puddle and soaked my shoe wet. but then, Jane and i went to festival hall at night. there was a tram inspector and i hadnt validated my newly-bought ticket, but she let me go. we were afraid of getting lost. but we got there.

a few hundred meters from the venue, it was loud. i started to see some people who looked like fans. you couldnt really tell, but you just knew they're heading for the same direction and were also waiting for a kickass time. and they were wearing thin tees with no jacket on.

Underoath was playing when we got into our seats. when i sat down, they played my favorite song from them: It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door. Spencer Chamberlain has really good hair, Jane and i agreed he could've been a shampoo model. they were good live. we sat in the tribunes, and the people were still relatively calm. except these 2 guys in front of me who headbanged hard to nearly every song.

there was a 30" break and some songs were played. chop suey roared and the audience were swaying and banging their heads. the crew put up a banner with an american flag on it.

then, the moment we'd all waited for. the banner was dropped and there they were. A Day To Remember. the crowd roared. suddenly, everyone sitting down got up from their seats. so we did too.
they opened with Sticks and Bricks. they played all of my favorite songs, including a You Be Tails, which was kind of surprising.

The atmosphere, the vibe, the feeling... it was intense. The blaring sound, the flashing lights, the thundering crowd. It feels really awesome to know that those songs you listen to on repeat at night, were being played by their band themselves in the same place as you. It's really great seeing them play and jump around and swear and they seem to be having a good time as well. the space was kinda small per person, so i didnt get to jump around as much or as hard as i want to. as i remember the lyrics to the songs i like, i can mouth them and go with it. sometimes i threw my hand in the air, along with the crowd. and because im relatively short compared to the people there, i had to work on seeing the band better since the guys in front of me were tall and so energetic. geez. i took a lot of pictures but most of them are blurry.

In the middle of the show, Jeremy got into a plastic hamster ball and rolled around the crowd. It was really amusing. He also asked for "the biggest fucking circle pit" and he got one. he kept saying he loves Australia, and that if his family dont live in America, he would move here. he also said that this was the best concert in his whole 8 years on tour, but that might have been too cliche or an overstatement.

I was bummed when I thought they wouldnt play two of my most favorite songs. but then, Jeremy walked out with an acoustic guitar. i violently prayed and crossed my fingers that he'd play If It Means A Lot To You. and he did. i was so happy, i could cry :') i recorded the song through my crappy blackberry and i didnt care, i just wanted to be able to look back at it later on. and then they played The Downfall of Us All. Epic song to end the night.

Seeing a lot of people wearing ADTR shirts on the spot made me so moved to go and get one.
so, being the fangirls we are, Jane and I bought tees. I bought a yellow one. She initially wanted the same one, but they didnt have the size so she bought the white one. it was 45-fucking-dollars but it was really worth it. i was really proud holding it. and i wore it the next day. too bad i didnt see anyone other than me wearing an ADTR shirt that day :(

oh and being there, with the people who share similar taste in music, feels different, in a great way. there were only a few asians there and i didnt mind. i got to see the kind of boys i like. the "bandfreak-skater" types. with hoodies and band tees. and brown hair. all this time i've been looking for people who listen to similar bands (or ADTR in particular) and there they were.

i was really paranoid about getting home. we had to walk through a quiet, empty street. but after the concert it got crowded from the people walking home, so we werent afraid.
at least now i know the place. and... my parents didnt know i went there. i told my mom i went to a concert later when i arrived home. at least they wont have to freak out since i came home in one piece and okay.

so... generally speaking, it was one of the best nights so far.
my first concert ever... and i really enjoyed every single moment of it.
this made me a lot angrier to my dad tho. THIS is what i've been missing all this time? Hoobastank, A7x, Boys Like Girls? fuck. i've been missing a lot. thanks, loser.

yes, i will go to more concerts now. fuck yeah.

ADTR australian tour setlist:

Sticks & Bricks
The Danger In Starting A Fire
A Shot In The Dark
You Be Tails, I’ll Be Sonic
My Life For Hire
All I Want
I’m Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?
Mr. Highway’s Thinking About The End
This Is The House That Doubt Built
All Signs Point To Lauderdale
2nd Sucks
Monument
Homesick
Why Walk On Water When We’ve Got Boats
Have Faith In Me
You Should’ve Killed Me When You Had The Chance
The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle

Encore:
If It Means A Lot To You
The Downfall Of Us All

(12 favorites/19 songs, not bad at all.)

3:22 AM

1. words, especially public figures', are externalities, but the extent and the nature of them depend on a lot of factors.

2. it's halfway through week 9 and exams are coming in a month. i havent learned shit.

3. assignments are coming again. blitzkrieged. again.

4. this week is the antisocial week.

5. it feels so silent lately, even when you're surrounded by the crowd.

6. why am i still awake again?

7. do i really wanna do commerce later in life? should i just transfer to arts and learn about media, metaphysics, sociology.. learning the behavior of people, arts, culture, society? really?

8. i miss studying in the library with you.

9. kimba, i found an old picture of you. you look old and a little messed up. but i still remember your glorious days. it's been 3 years without you, i miss you and your wagging tail :'(

10. hey, the other kimba, i miss you. bet you dont even remember me.

11. is there any shred of hope?

12. statistics fucking suck.

13. some people are just always on the run.

14. le sexy sounds revisited

15. let's be friends :) please? i wanna get to know you. just friends.

16. i just had to post this:

fuckyea.

 because 3 years really made a difference. this one change, i'm okay with it :)

and i wonder

im too much a fan of what had been. i spend quite a substantial time remembering. yes, i cling on to the past too hard and this is not a very good thing to do.
if i dont, then my mind plays scenes. imaginary, potential, dangerous, evil, impossible, subliminal scenes. especially when my head hits the pillow, right before i fall into slumber.

i wonder what would it be like if we stopped being what we are.
we part ways in good terms and close the door for good. burn the bridge and let the river embrace the ashes.
eventually we will meet someone new.
i dont know what it would be like in your perspective, but i imagine that this is what it will be like for me.

so finally you've met your new-and-improved dream girl. let's say, she's beautiful, also in ways i can never be. let's also say, she's the girl that fits your every criteria. kind, cheerful, generous, faithful, polite, diligent, loving, humble, etc. and for the sake of making her perfect for you, she will also be submissive, enjoy sports, and have some artistic abilities. basically, everything a man could ever want in a woman. everyone in your family thinks she's the perfect one and nods in agreement.
let's say you decided that she's your soulmate. the girl you want to spend an eternity with. you marry her and have a terrific life. a happy, healthy family with 2 children. and this is her daily routine.

she will be an excellent housewife who will always wake up at sunrise, function as your personal alarm clock for the family, and cook breakfast and lunch for the kids. she will drop the kids off at school, kiss them goodbye, and drive home to do some mundane chores around the house, but surprisingly she enjoys doing these because she loves her family and wants to maintain a clean, beautiful nest. after she picks up the kids, she will hit the gym. later, after she showers, she will help the kids on their homework and prepare dinner. you will come home to her arms and her sizzling, mouthwatering meals served beautifully on the table. and after she puts the kids to their beds, you will have some fun time alone. you will eventually sleep with a huge smile on your face and wake up feeling awesome.
on the weekends, you will have a nice family time together, starting early in morning. you can have a lot of time having fun fun fun without having to spend much much much, because she never really cares about the material things anyway.
she will never fight you, and if you do have an argument, you will always outsmart her, hence constantly winning. she will always come back to you anyway so you have nothing to fear.
as you live the dream life you've always wanted, i wonder...

will you ever, still, remember me? us? what had been?
will you remember or miss the stupid fights and the way i cornered you?
will you miss the unpredictability?
will you miss trying hard to understand me?
will you ponder on what could have been?
will you have any shred of regret?
will you open up the box, filled with the things i gave you? will you even keep it once it's over?
will you still keep a fraction of your feelings to savor at odd times?

sadly, the answer would probably be no.

maybe one day when you're finally tired of her, of her perfection, you will revisit that old, dusty box in the corner if your heart. you will reminisce. the little things. the stupid things. the smile. the eyes.
but you and i both know that nothing can be done, because we've parted ways for so long.
im still on the other side of the world, out having a new adventure of my own.
i've probably changed a lot too. im no longer the 16 year old you fell in love with. heck, even 2 years made a hell lot of difference.
you've lost my number, and you traced it through mutual old friends. when you get it, you keep it in your phone. but you will probably not have the guts to reach me. you stare at my name on the screen, thinking hard about whether or not to push the green button. you think about the usual "hey, how are you?" to break the silence and try to come up with the reason you called as you havent reached me in ages.
as you think about the topics for potential conversations, you remember that we didnt have a lot of shared interests. in the end, you'll realize that it's better to keep things the way they are. you will not risk the heartache if anything happens. for yourself, your wife, and me. you will not risk everything for something as vague as this. as you put the phone down and climb back to bed, you look at your sleeping wife and promise that you will do anything to keep this marriage... forever. so you'll shake off any remaining thoughts of me and close your eyes, because you and your wife need to go to counselling tomorrow morning. but deep down, the questions, the memories... remain.
it can be sought but never found, because nobody.. nobody in this vast face of earth, will ever love you the way i do.

okay i just sounded so cheesy. but fuck that. i am cheesy.
and maybe if this is coming close to the end... i dont know, i honestly dont know what to think anymore. i've almost given up. the horizon is too far ahead and im too tired. unmotivated. and i need that motivation. im in denial and i gave out too many "second" chances, as some of you already know.

i guess im waiting for the last straw.

and i dont know whether or not i should start packing my bags. i have so many things there, i dont feel like moving out just yet... ever.

because all the beautiful dresses and majestic heels can never compare to the magnificent combination of jeans and chucks.
remember this, guys?

grammar nazi

this will probably sound cocky and annoying. you've been warned.

in this day and age, when you decide to speak out in the social media using languages other than your first language, you're usually forgiven if you make mistakes.
for example, you can say something in french and get away with grammatical errors.
but this might not be the case for english. english is an exception. english is THE exception.
major grammatical errors PISS THE HELL OUT of me. and many other people.
but to be fair... sometimes errors are just accidental. sometimes i make minor mistakes in english too. especially if it's 3.42 in the morning and i haven't had sleep for a while. but major mistakes are just... i can't even...
so please, for fuck sake, learn a little grammar before blabbering on about something. 
because honestly, shit becomes 10 times shittier with awful grammar.
and some are gonna say.. "oh but they can't be blamed if they aren't that good in english..."
i can't blame you if you don't have enough resources to be able to speak flawless english. but if you can afford a blackberry, know how to use twitter... and especially if you're studying abroad. no matter where.
i'm begging you.

p.s. yes, i did go through this a couple of times to make sure i didn't make any errors myself. 

"when i was 17 my boyfriend fell into a coma.

I was told he wouldnt make it. After 6 months his parents took him off life support. When his heart started to fail I went to kiss him goodbye. When I did, his heart skipped a beat.

It's been 6 years. Tomorrow we're getting married. His love and strength give me hope."

oh god. if this is for real.. it's so beautiful, amazing :'D

i emailed this to Owen (limitation of communication much?) and his response:
"not only you didnt reply my last email, now you want me to fall into a coma?!"
yeah, thanks for ruining the moment -__- but i love you, you vintage, freaky boy. haha

my life according to the arctic monkeys.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST/BAND, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:
Arctic Monkeys

Are you a male or female?
The Bad Thing

Describe yourself:
Fluorescent Adolescent

What do people feel when they're around you?
D Is For Dangerous

Describe where you currently live:
This House Is A Circus

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Secret Door

Your favorite form of transportation:
My Propeller

Your best friend is:
The Only One(s) Who Know

You and your best friends are:
Dangerous Animals

What's the weather like:
Brianstorm

Favorite time of day:
When The Sun Goes Down

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Riot Van

What is life to you:
The View From The Afternoon

How would you describe your previous relationship?
-

Describe your current relationship.
Baby I’m Yours

How do you feel about love?
A Certain Romance

Your fear:
From the Ritz to the Rubble

What is the best advice you have to give:
If You Were There, Beware

Thought for the Day:
You Probably Couldn't See From The Lights But You Were Staring Straight At Me

How I would like to die:
Crying Lightning

My soul's present condition:

Mardy Bum

My motto:
I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
Do Me A Favor

The BBC apparently believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here:

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible- most of it                                                                               

 7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare                                                              

 15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy.
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth.
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt.
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. ON PROGRESS.

7 books already. Does that make me win?

still a duckling?

so i decided to transfer a few old pictures from my oh-so-old N73.
nostalgic, yes. but the real first response?
"oh my God im such a terrible mess" back then. and i loled.
changes changes. not just me, also my friends. we look so much more.. geeky back then? different in so many ways?
i looked awful. short hair, nerdy glasses, too boyish outfits.. and at the time i finally decided to be less of a tomboy, i gained quite a lot of weight. so yeah. compared to the old times, i look drop dead gorgeous now.
for real.
but i dont know. i wonder how i'll look like... 5 years from now. 10 years. 30 years. 50 years. 60 years and more (if i get to live that long).
i've never stopped changing, i never will i guess... so have i passed the ugly duckling stage yet? or life and time simply have something better in store for me?
just a midnight random thought passing by.


p.s. another random stuff: i wonder what will it feel like if i have a small, nice, black Vespa to go around Melbourne on. but i dont trust myself on two-wheeled vehicles. neither on four-wheeled vehicles.

oh well, whatever, nevermind.

RIP, Kurt Cobain. you are honestly an inspiration.. your originality is just amazing. and your indifference, you might be one of the most non-conformist people in the history of mankind. i love the contradiction, the lyrics, the honesty.. and to think that you might wrote some or many of them while stoned or high.

the world needs more ingenuity like yours.

selected quotes:

- just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you.

- throw down your umbilical noose so i can climb right back.

- i need you around to remind me what not to become.

- congratulations, you have won; it's a year subscription of bad puns.

- i use bits and pieces of others' personalities to form my own.

- why in the hell do journalists insist on coming up with a second rate Freudian evaluation on my lyrics when 90% of the time they've transcribed the lyrics incorrectly? 

- Birds...scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth. They know the truth. Screaming bloody murder all over the world in our ears, but sadly we don't speak bird.

- I spent all of my life trying to stay away from sports and here I am in a sporting arena. 

- I take pride as the king of illiterature.

- She loves him more than he will ever know.... He loves her more than he will ever show. 

- Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be. As a trend, as a friend, as a known enemy. 

- I'm so happy, cause today I found my friends... They're in my head.

- I miss the comfort in being sad. 

 this has got to be my favorite Nirvana song ever. brilliant music and disturbing video? awesome.

remind me, why am i still here again?
why am i still holding on?
why do i stay? why should i stay?
is it the right reason or is it simply fear and insecurity?
on the verge of a new chapter, why do i question everything?
what am i doing here?
where is home?
this home became too strange a place.
this home, i dont feel... wanted.
i dont wanna be homeless. 
i dont know where else to go.

fuck you, your opinions, what had been, what could have, should have been.

im sorry.. i have so many negative things on my mind right now. lately.

idgaf... im trying hard to do that for my own sake. working on it.

my eyes hurt. i feel awful. fuck this. fuck everything.

je t'aime beaucoup... toujours. mais pourquoi j'eprouvé est-ce différent maintenant?
j'espere bien pour nous. avant qu'il soit trop tard.
merde.

gaskarth alert!

Jamie makes AWESOME (no exaggeration) ATL fan arts. along with other bands.
(Disclaimer: Jalex alert ;) and cuteness alert :3 )
if you decide to check it out, go and check my tumblr as well :) i mainly reblog stuff and whatnot so its not that interesting tho.

haz to learn:

> to EFFING PROCRASTINATE LESS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
> to be much less distracted
> to not give a shit about unnecessary stuff
> to control these uncontrollable thoughts before they eat her alive
> to be moar and moar independent (including opening jars, bottles and reaching for stuff in high places)
> to be moar committed to everything
> to be always persistent... at least for the good things
> to be moar truthful (kinda hard)
> to maintain a constant, content state of mind
> to stand up for herself moar
> to be less shy and reach out to moar people and not giving too much a damn of what they think
> to hesitate less and think faster but not less cautious when speaking
> economics.

cant agree more.

the good left undone

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean,
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down,
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you,
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
No, not the kind with halos,
The kind that bring you home,
When home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice,
All you have to do is shout it out.

----------------------------------------
i wholeheartedly regret not copying my Rise Against CD and bring it here -____-
RA has always been a great band, with great songs that actually have substance. struggle. pain. love.

favorite RA song atm other than that one:

p.s. simplicity at its best:

yes, i am enslaved.

im entitled to rant as much as i want in my blog.

so yeah. feel free to not read this.

inferiority complex is eating me alive, slowly skinning me and devouring my flesh, sucking my blood and slitting my guts open. its not "why them and not me" but "why didnt i get it too". but.. im not failing. not succeeding yet either.

bipolar? im not bipolar. loving and hating one thing at once isnt really bipolar. plus there is always a middle ground for everything, which makes me much less likely to be bipolar.
why am i writing this? ranting? a prelude to warm up my brain before i pour out another 1000 words?

on hating: no, i dont hate much. i wish i can NOT hate anything. i hate bugs, heights, being scared, stupidity in general (mine included), germs, dirty places and stuff. but i dont HATE people (pseudo-virtuous people excluded, if you know what i mean). you cant expect me to like every single person i meet and interact with, but i can certainly tolerate them. but they wont earn my respect and trust.

a friend of mine said i hate a genre of music she loves. wtf? i honestly dont like it, dont enjoy it, but i dont HATE it. if i hate it, i would devote a considerably large amount of my time and energy (which im lacking myself) to bash on them and persuade people to not listen to it, maybe even circulate some rumors and do some "character massacre" (not merely assasination). its safe to say that i've grown quite enough to see that people have different tastes; we cant expect that the others like what we like.
focus your energy not to hate, but to love your [insert genre of music/musician/activity preferred]. if you like it, it's great; but if you dont, fuck off and leave us alone.

there's always a thin, but fine line between these things:
tolerance and ignorance
confidence and arrogance
sarcasm and lies
humility and self-defeat
[will add moar later]

talking about double standards, it annoys me that some people's personality are labeled according to their physique. if you're different and cute, you're unique. but if you're different and not so cute, you're a freak. if you're silent and good-looking, you're "cool". but if you're silent and not good-looking or maybe a little nerdy, you're an anti-social or a loner. "dont judge a book by its cover" is a statement passed around like a cheat sheet on a history exam, but rarely manifested in real life.
which reminds me, penguin classics all have the same, plain orange cover. maybe it's to avoid people's judgments and get them to read the back of the cover first before deciding the book's worth reading or not? or maybe even making a stand, some sort of a trademark to increase awareness? or simply just to cut down on the production costs? Occam's razor, anyone?

im not really judgmental. if im not impressed, i wont approach. simple as that.
but if we sorta have the similar tastes and/or personality and/or way of thinking, i'll be impressed. im not that hard to impress. however, usually my first impressions are correct. but im not judgmental. underline that.

im trying not to act out of fear, but because it's the right thing to do.

i had my first full glass of wine yesterday. a sauvignon blanc. i felt like grinning a lot and just slightly light, but im still aware of pretty much everything.
and yesterday was great, btw. last minute plans (or change-of and lack-of's) are usually the best.
going to new places,  discovering a nice cup of coffee, walking along the riverbank, italian meals, long conversations about tons of random things.
we dont get see each other that much anymore, so it's really nice to finally spend some time with you, and catch up. im glad to see that things are.. pretty much as it used to be.

and as for you.. we talked about you yesterday, and it made me think... i know you're still there.
the question is.. will you stay? will you wait for me to come back home?

okay, i really should be getting back to work now.

but then again, i can find an excuse for everything. doesnt matter if its irrational. >:)