last weekend

remember the most reckless night you've ever had in your entire life?

remember Boys of Summer?
remember Hand of Mercy, falling in love with them, while i crashed onto the floor?
remember the pizza bread you had for dinner?
remember "save the queen, she's drowning"?
remember being slouched over someone's shoulder?
remember "my friend's in the moshpit, he has purple hair"?
remember "i dont wanna be a classic asian melbourne uni student"?
remember breaking your phone?
remember Comeback Kid? of course you dont.
remember Deez Nuts? oh, that's right, you missed their set.
remember "she has so many bags"?
remember waking up worrying that your friends are worried sick about you?
remember not knowing where your phone and your keys are in the morning?

i dont suit reckless very well.

while you, you can do anything and everything, and you'd still be better off than me.
its gotten to the point where i dream of you, multiple times, and waking up feeling like shit all morning because i know i cant have you.
as much as i like you, this has really, really got to stop.

i wish it was that easy though.
and i wonder, after dropping off my vomit-stained-self home, do you still think im cute?

i really dont think anyone around me understands how my self-deprecating ways are eating me alive.
here i am, a corpse, not quite dead yet, but is rotting and consumed by maggots from the inside.
i like to think im merely a victim of circumstance, but it threw both its hands in the air, "I have nothing to do with this."
disgust fills me up and overtake me, one mistake after another... one action untouched, after another.
i have abhorred myself ever since i can remember.
perhaps, this was the root of the problem all along... "how could you love others, if you dont first love yourself?"


honestly, there is nothing left of me to love.

perhaps, i was the root of the problem all along.

i knew it.

i've lost my way in the forest of perplexity.
you bewilder me.
the trees are starting to engulf me in darkness as the night falls.

im so scared. for the future, for myself, for everything.
this has to stop. soon enough.

2012 Year in Review

what an interesting year this has been. and this is a very self-centered (literally) post, so if you have absolutely no interest in my life whatsoever (i doubt anyone does, really), this would be a good place to click the 'x' on this tab.

because im hungry and my parents are here, let's just make this quick for now. let's see:

1. i turned 19, but mentally, im either 23 or 15, depending on the day/mood/circumstance.
2. i had a clearer idea who my real friends are, so i ditched those who arent.
3. i learned how to make acquaintances more easily. and i can safely say im a lot better at making small talks now.
4. i went behind my parents back to go to more shows, and Soundwave, and i had a fucking amazing time in general. well, 'carpe diem' was my only justification.
5. i learned that its harder and harder to genuinely like most people now.
6. i discovered 'real' hardcore. and i love it. not all of it. but enough to convert me.
7. i discovered Chuck Palahniuk and David Sedaris, who both quickly became my favourite authors. (by the way, Haunted is my book of the year -purely because its the most disturbing shit i ever read and therefore i love it to pieces.)
8. i discovered heaps of new talented bands. or just talented bands.
9. i have my ups and downs, but i gained a significant amount of confidence and reassurance.
10. i finished year 2, and decided that i hate groupwork and fobs.
11. i started implementing some marketing knowledge into my tumblr and made the 'correct' gifs --i love the bands, for fucking sure, but hey, i dont mind getting notes and heaps new followers.
12. i made a new best friend and made amends with my old best friend --they both became two of the most important people in my life right now, and i love them dearly.
13. i dipped my feet in the "organisations & volunteering" pond, and although i honestly think they're a lovechild between virtue and lame, they do, as much as i hate admitting it, give me a handful of experience (that better be fucking useful for my future endeavours.)
14. i got my first job as a store bitch in a bakery where i worked and loathed like crazy. now i can really respect those in the service industry more, so no regrets.
15. i did my first internship too, in that promo department, and i got to implement some more marketing. and i learned to coexist without sacrificing my ideals and being subtle about it.
16. i learned that i highly prefer those with a lot of interests. they might not be mutual to mine, but it at least shows the span of their knowledge (and a stretch of their personality, most of the time). those with no interests could only talk about others and gossip. which was pretty exciting at first, but it grew exhaustingly annoying after a while.
17. in that note, i acquired a penchant for more nerdy people.
18. i met a liferuiner in november. he actually made me live MakeDamnSure for a good while. this is monumental for various reasons, particularly in that one really pleasant week.
19. i decided that my best skill was to criticise fucking everything and do nothing about it. however........
20. i have better grip on things now.

21. apology is not overrated.

the universe conspires once you've had too much fun.

beautiful band, gorgeous album, accurate song.

this has been bothering me for quite a while and i just have to note it down so one day i can read this in retrospect.

i hate when people use "change and circumstance" as a scapegoat.
yes, i know, everything and everyone changes, and like a plague, you cant help it but just shudder and try to survive. although, by nature, it is a huge injustice.
i have stopped blaming people for the mistakes (?) they did under the name of "change", but well, how do i put this simply?

i do not, under any "circumstance", enjoy being collateral damage.
however, there is nothing i can do about it.

the only thing you can and have to do is to man up, dea. dont be such a fucking loser.

i wish i have a hardcore band because i just wrote some decent hateful lyrics.
it's surprisingly extremely relaxing tho.
want some update of my life?
well, in short;
i hate myself.
i hate everyone.
i hate everything.
i hate all of you.
and i definitely fucking hate you with my guts.

brown eyes, black heart.

i havent been posting much on here. most of the time, i have shit ton to say, but i forgot about this special little platform that could've served a better purpose than sitting around collecting dust from the memories that remind me of how stupid i could be/was/still am.

first of all. i can finally say im starting to get into some hardcore.

im still a beginner tho, please dont go br00tal on me for not liking Terror or shiz.

some other songs worth checking out despite not being in the hardcore genre per se:

been on an experimntal-ish vibe and these are great songs so yeah:

Oh btw David Sedaris is an amazing writer. I have a feeling I might turn into someone like him when I get old. (Still) awkward and confused and helpless. Hopefully I'll also be somewhat successful, with a nice sum of money to my name, of course.

On a sidenote, I fancy disturbing things, if you havent realised it yet; I enjoy disturbing stories, books, movies. Damn it Palahniuk. Look at what you did to me. I'm such a special little snowflake, I know. That obviously makes me better than you, like duh.

Many times, I just feel like giving up trying to understand people and how they behave a certain (annoying) way. But man. I shouldn't forget my own selfish reasons. It's all part of the divine masterplan, isn't it? Isn't that what they say? Wait, it's not? 

I did something I shouldn't have with someone I shouldn't associate with any longer last week. But what the hell. It didn't mean anything. To me, at least. To you, may be another case worth analysing. For the moment, I'm quite content just watching you from my seat, smirking over your fall, being schadenfreude and all that jazz. This will come biting me in the ass sometime, so I better prepare iron pants to match my iron heart.

Oh, that's right, I dont particularly have a  heart.