so yeah. feel free to not read this.
inferiority complex is eating me alive, slowly skinning me and devouring my flesh, sucking my blood and slitting my guts open. its not "why them and not me" but "why didnt i get it too". but.. im not failing. not succeeding yet either.
bipolar? im not bipolar. loving and hating one thing at once isnt really bipolar. plus there is always a middle ground for everything, which makes me much less likely to be bipolar.
why am i writing this? ranting? a prelude to warm up my brain before i pour out another 1000 words?
on hating: no, i dont hate much. i wish i can NOT hate anything. i hate bugs, heights, being scared, stupidity in general (mine included), germs, dirty places and stuff. but i dont HATE people (pseudo-virtuous people excluded, if you know what i mean). you cant expect me to like every single person i meet and interact with, but i can certainly tolerate them. but they wont earn my respect and trust.
a friend of mine said i hate a genre of music she loves. wtf? i honestly dont like it, dont enjoy it, but i dont HATE it. if i hate it, i would devote a considerably large amount of my time and energy (which im lacking myself) to bash on them and persuade people to not listen to it, maybe even circulate some rumors and do some "character massacre" (not merely assasination). its safe to say that i've grown quite enough to see that people have different tastes; we cant expect that the others like what we like.
focus your energy not to hate, but to love your [insert genre of music/musician/activity preferred]. if you like it, it's great; but if you dont, fuck off and leave us alone.
there's always a thin, but fine line between these things:
tolerance and ignorance
confidence and arrogance
sarcasm and lies
humility and self-defeat
[will add moar later]
talking about double standards, it annoys me that some people's personality are labeled according to their physique. if you're different and cute, you're unique. but if you're different and not so cute, you're a freak. if you're silent and good-looking, you're "cool". but if you're silent and not good-looking or maybe a little nerdy, you're an anti-social or a loner. "dont judge a book by its cover" is a statement passed around like a cheat sheet on a history exam, but rarely manifested in real life.
which reminds me, penguin classics all have the same, plain orange cover. maybe it's to avoid people's judgments and get them to read the back of the cover first before deciding the book's worth reading or not? or maybe even making a stand, some sort of a trademark to increase awareness? or simply just to cut down on the production costs? Occam's razor, anyone?
im not really judgmental. if im not impressed, i wont approach. simple as that.
but if we sorta have the similar tastes and/or personality and/or way of thinking, i'll be impressed. im not that hard to impress. however, usually my first impressions are correct. but im not judgmental. underline that.
im trying not to act out of fear, but because it's the right thing to do.
i had my first full glass of wine yesterday. a sauvignon blanc. i felt like grinning a lot and just slightly light, but im still aware of pretty much everything.
and yesterday was great, btw. last minute plans (or change-of and lack-of's) are usually the best.
going to new places, discovering a nice cup of coffee, walking along the riverbank, italian meals, long conversations about tons of random things.
we dont get see each other that much anymore, so it's really nice to finally spend some time with you, and catch up. im glad to see that things are.. pretty much as it used to be.
and as for you.. we talked about you yesterday, and it made me think... i know you're still there.
the question is.. will you stay? will you wait for me to come back home?
okay, i really should be getting back to work now.
but then again, i can find an excuse for everything. doesnt matter if its irrational. >:)
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