unreal

 his morning, i was woken up harshly by not the alarm on my phone, but on the building. as i looked out the window, the sky was odd-coloured. it was dirty yellow with a hint of grey, i hate it. nobody was out on the lobby. nobody in those houses across my window. nobody walking past and smoking on the chairs. it felt quite like post-apocalypse, and i'm starting to get a bit worried, but i kept my crown of wishful thinking and crashed back to bed. it's not that i can sleep well afterwards anyway, but i just desperately needed to close my eyes. after being an hour late to my group meeting, spicy paella and dirty vacuum-cleaning, i had some time to think and decide. but it's out of my hands now, i can only cross my fingers.

i thought a lot last night. rolled up in my bed, feeling disturbed by the disturbing stories i just read, i listened to kellin on my ipod but i can feel the silence. it's weirdly amusing to feel the loud silence creeping up the atmosphere, the same time as music playing in your ear. it reminds me that im alone. alone under the cross above my bed.

i thought about what i propose as the lucifer syndrome: how one person can be seen or perceived as an angel at one time, but then drastically turned into a demon. especially without careful thinking and listening. this usually happens when their hearts overruled their minds, or as my friend told me, when their expectations are crumbled and reality then hit them hard.

such an incredible downfall, that is honestly amusing to observe.

most of the time, i'm interested in the reasons for their downfall, or transformation, if you like. and this usually happens when lovers turn to haters, best friends turn to strangers.

i'm trying hard not to be contaminated with this disease. it's not that i don't admit change, people do change, but some people are simply wolves in sheep's clothing. maybe we all need a magic mirror to unveil these trickeries and save all the heartache. but then again, what fun will it be? encoding people is fun. you get to have these expectations and you venture to seek if they are true to some extent, secretly wishing that your first impressions are always correct so you can brag about it afterwards about your amazing premonition skill of some sort.



however, some people just don't understand or accept the change. and this unfamiliar being became the 'others'. and we are afraid of the 'others'. the unknown. the mysterious, sometimes. familiarity is security. but it doesn't stop there, because  if the transformation is too drastic, too fast, and the brain isn't utilised, then it also tells about the person judging. it reflects their short-mindedness and ignorance. if you're so quick to judge, it will come back to you someday, biting you in the ass.


i wonder if my life had been laid out to me. i wonder if i can predict my life in the near future; what job i'll have, which suits i'll use, which suburb i'll live in, which car i'll drive, which guy is (un)lucky enough to end up marrying me, which name should i pick for my kids, which colour the house should be, which college my kids are going to, which insurance company i'll use to secure my retirement, what will i tell my lawyer to be written in my will. this life sounds so damn ordinary. i want security, but not routine. i want commitment, but not dry romance. i want everything to be special, and if it isn't i'll try to make it be.

i dont want some stupid wedding reception attended by 500+ guests i dont really care about for the sake of politeness.
i dont want to get married for the sake of getting married.
i dont want some small suburban house just like every other house in the neighbourhood.
i dont want some random desk job just so i can pay the bills.
i dont want to become a soccer mom.
i dont want to travel on some shitty tour where other tourists act like their own people, and only after i retired; i'll be too old by then, i'm not strong enough.
i dont want to write songs or poems that no one will ever read or listen to.
i dont want a husband i cant connect to emotionally.
i dont want to be stuck in the stupid rat race, and my days had started to feel like it.

i need a way out.

oh, and sinners are actually very realistic people. i proudly wear my 'sinner' bracelet and i love when people stared at it. you cant be a saint when you know you still messed up. hell, even when you dont mess up, it doesn't guarantee you sainthood. if you proclaim that you're a saint, then you really aren't. like He said, the person who are sin-free can throw the first rock, right? everyone's a sinner. i'd much rather have 'sinner' written on my bracelet than 'saint', because then you set other-worldly expectations about yourself. i'm just being realistic.