summary of the past 3 months or so

 "I should be asleep, I shouldn’t be upset. Playing the victim while you’re still here. Blaming the future on things I fear."

"I guess I'll feel less lonely when I shut up and let you own me; your slave, your go getter. When you're on my mind, my mind feels better. I guess I'll feel less stupid when I make myself less useless. But wait, it gets better; I wish all my time was our time spent together."

oriole

im (almost) living an accurate metaphor of my life

“im so sorry, training started so late.”

“no, don’t worry, its okay.”

“why didn’t you just go?”

“I was waiting for you.”

“yeah, but you missed your show!”

“I wouldn’t wanna watch it alone anyway.”

“man, stop being so polite next time!”

“I thought you’d come back, and I wanna be here when you do.”

half a smile hung in the air

“you should’ve just gone anyway.”

I can see that you’re sorry

But I will never forgive myself.

========================================================================

“you are insanely cute,” he said, but then all I could think about was your smile when you said it.

in fact, i havent been thinking of anyone else. how could i?

im single and i have no idea how to mingle

you know i'll probably never have the guts to try online dating, so here's my bio if i were to make an OkCupid account (haha lol) :

my self-summary

congratulations! you've chosen to open my profile after a minute of hesitation, because my profile picture have succeeded in deceiving you into thinking im kinda cute and worthy of your time... whether or not you're making a mistake, you'll find out soon enough, if you can actually be bothered reading this all the way. or maybe you just opened my profile to see if my other pictures (if any) prove that im not that terrible looking. normally i would accuse you of being shallow, but let's be honest here, looks do matter.

to save your time, this is my life in bullet points:

• first and foremost, i love my music. if you can tolerate them, that'd be cool. if you enjoy them as well, that'd be swell. if you do the latter and also enjoy going to every show possible, that'd be absolutely rad, and i may or may not take you home.
• on that note, i love pop punk, emo (it's not a phase okay mum), and hardcore. be a pal and let's go to shows together and buy me a drink and hold my hand as we get in the mosh pit.
• im way too inferior to even consider myself an intellectual, but i do enjoy a wide variety of topics to discuss, from hentai, to the holocaust, to homemade bacon, so let's talk about these things over coffee (or a pint). i have opinions, but im not that opinionated so we can have a chill time while talking about rad ideas.
• i enjoy works of literary fiction. if you can describe a book with something along the lines of "author's fucked in the head" or "terribly disturbing", there's a huge chance i might enjoy it.
• i like comedy; i like watching funny shows from the 90s, witty remarks, and a healthy dose of sarcasm. 
• im more cheesy than your favourite pizza.
• i play guitar badly, but i like to think i can sing, with my whiny, ceiling voice. consider yourself warned.
• im into all things photography. im aware this makes me sound like a try-hard, 15 year old hipster wannabe, but i really do. however, im still mourning over the loss of my photoshop.
• did i mention shows?
• i apologise too much about everything...... sorry for that, in advance.

what i'm doing with my life

im currently studying at university, and i really hope i can work somewhere in the music industry, within my genres. i love recommending stuff to listen to, and it gives me the best satisfaction if people actually like them, so to do this for a living would be a dream come true.

other than that, im doing well being a full-time loser.

i'm really good at:

• annoying people with my high ceiling voice
• being indecisive
• discovering good, new music, and obsessing over them
• crying/laughing (am i sad? am i happy? you'll never know.)
• being angsty for the dumbest reasons
• (over)analysing things, having a whinge about them, and doing absolutely nothing to fix them
• making references to lyrics, and sometimes, lines from movies/TV shows
• writing in sharpie

the first things people usually notice about me:

• my paranoia
• my self-deprecation
• my angst

favourite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

repeating myself would sound redundant, so to add to that, i enjoy nerdisms like Tolkien stuff, the Game of Thrones, medieval-y stuff. i still like heaps of cartoons as well; i'm basically 12. some anime are cool too. be a mate and show me other good stuff, then we can definitely enjoy them together.

i like italian, mexican, thai, japanese, chinese, indonesian, and korean food. oh and sweet stuff. let's be pigs together.

the six things i could never do without:

1. my music
2. dairy products
3. a good, fully-functioning laptop with high-speed, reliable internet connection
4. my close friends as a collective
5. coffee
6. comfortable, baggy sweaters

i spend a lot of time thinking about:

"i wish im at a show"

"why did i say that"

"i wish i'd said something"

"why am i so dumb"

"i wish they would come back to melbourne and play again"

"did i lock the door before i leave?"

"im dying, i need coffee"

"i didnt have enough sleep last night"

"this album is so good, i love it so much"

"this band is so good, i love them so much"

"this song wont stop playing in my head"

"when's the next show im gonna watch?"

on a typical friday night i am:

having a quiet night in with my close friends, getting hyper over chocolate milk and laughing at various things on the internet, watching a dumb movie, talking about everyone and everything. but i also enjoy going out and having drinks.

im looking for:

a cool dude who's kinda like me. but cooler. and a little more mature. open-minded and humble. skates. takes me on cute dates at shows. no bad tattoos please. being able to sing/play instruments is a huge plus. 

you should message me if:

refer to the question above. and if this bio didnt annoy the shit out of you.

this is the song you listen to before you wander into your next life.

havent done these in forev4, expect elegance and eloquence

1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?
bring them to me aye

2) Where are you taking this test at?
my crib

3) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
no way

4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
either jane or jourdan i cant remember

5) Do you regret it?
yes :C (nah i always mean it)

6) Have you ever been depressed?
clinically? nah. angsty-teenager-depressed? always.

7) Are you a boy or girl?
my gender does not define me!!1!1

8) Do you have a job?
being a full-time loser

9) What is your relationship status?
single pringle waiting to be eaten

10) How do you want to die?
peacefully, in my own bed preferrably

11) What did you last eat?
pop tart

12) Played any sports?
i run........ a blog

13) Do you bite your nails?
nope

14) When was your last physical fight?
junior high? typical girly catfight, so lame

15) Do you have an attitude?
quuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl

16) Do you like someone?
ye nah maybe perhaps idk you tell me

17) What is your real name?
smaug the terrible

18) What is the background of your computer screen?
cinque terre

19) Are you gonna get high later?
nah but i'll be unconscious ((asleep))

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
not really

21) Do you miss someone?
maybe :c

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
both m8

23) Do you tan a lot?
no i do not, im not a jersey shore cast member

24) Have any pets?
i have pet PEEVES

25) How exactly are you feeling?
kinda sleepy and lame

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
dur

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
no(t yet)

28) Would you take any of your exes back?
yeah... nah

29) Are you afraid of spiders?
no i fear nothing ((yes))

31) Do you regret anything from your past?
i try not to, not too much at least

32) What are your plans for this weekend?
hang with 2 of my great friends and do chores and maybe start on my assignment

33) Do you want to have kids?
most likely

34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?
nope

35) Do you type fast?
+80 wpm doe

36) Do you have piercings?
ears, i wish i have the side of my nose pierced tho

37) Want any more?
^ ((i want a nose ring)

38) Can you spell well?
most of the time

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
i dont think so, they're probably too irrelevant/distant to be missed

40) What are you craving right now?
kebab or pizza or other savoury food

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
not yet

42) Have you ever been to jail?
im a jailbird

43) Have you ever been on a horse?
ages ago!

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
haha what no

45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
yeah ofc

46) Have you ever been cheated on?
nah

47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
haha oh man what do you think

48) What time is it currently?
3.40 AM on a saturday. PARTY

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
surely

50) What should you be doing?
fucking SLEEPING

51) What's irritating you right now?
my current position @ life

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
HAHA OH MAN IT HURTS TO BREATHE

53) Does somebody love you?
my mum <3s me

54) What is your favorite color?
black (or blue, depending on the day/mood)

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
aw yis

57) Do you have trust issues?
i probably trust people too easily

58) You are over half way done with this. Are you sure you want to continue?
briiiiiiiiiiiiing it

59) Do you have any siblings?
one sister

60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
with my mum yes

61) Do you live with anyone?
just my reflection in the mirror

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
he thinks im a "drunk" and im "fragile" so therefore nah

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
i almost always cry alone so i dont remember

64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
maybe

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
forgive because im an elephant i forget nothing

66) Is this year the best year of your life?
it just started and i dont really wanna have my hopes up too high aye

67) What was your child hood nickname?
heaps of terrible names haha i'd rather not say

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
nah

69) What is your motto in life?
TAKE MONEY MONEY, TAKE MONEY MONEY MONAY

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
i like to believe so

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
listened to Have Heart

72) Do you have a best friend?
a couple of them

73) What is bothering you?
the herbie situation

74) Have you ever been out of your country?
i have yes, i am outside my country rn

75) Do you play the Wii?
yes bc we only have that at home fuck DONT JUDGE

76) Are you listening to music right now?
shortfastloud's emo playlist

77) Do you like Chinese food?
 live off them

78) Do you know your Dad b-day?
yes i do he's an aquarius

79) Are you afraid of the dark?
not anymore

80) Is cheating ever okay?
nope nah never

81) Are you mean?
yes to my close friends

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
hehe nah

83) What was the last song you listened to?
Days Were Golden - Sunny Day Real Estate

84) Do you believe in true love?
ye

85) What are you currently wearing?
my awesome HAND OF MERCY shirt, and shorts ye

86) What do you wear to bed?
whatever im wearing after i shower

87) What is the weather like right now?
i cant tell its probs cold

88) Do you like the outside?
if its not raining // i know what to do // surrounded by good company

89) Are you currently bored?
nup

90) Do you wanna get married?
yes plz

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
depends on who the person is i mean
if i like him, definitely

92) Are you hungry?
a tad bit

93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?
haha psh half an hour is nothing

94) What makes you happy?
my music, coffee, when it's raining out while im staying in all day doing nothing

95) Would you change your name?
yes plz

96) Ever been to Alaska?
no

98) Do you watch the news?
im too pop punk for that shit
((im in touch with the news tho))

99) What' s your zodiac sign?
the goat fish, fish goat, whatever

100) Do you like Subway?
i like myself a footlong ........

101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
nope
kiss me again pls

102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
"you are making a terrible mistake, YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP I AM"

103) Do you like talking to your friends?
i dun have frenz :CCCCCCC what are friends and how do i download them for free

104) What do you plan to do with the rest of your day?
today? have brunch if its not raining maybe

105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
most of the time. especially bc lately i cant be bothered with small talks
so unless i like you as a person or want something from you
"oh i did NOT see you!"

106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
yes ofc (hi jourdan)

107) Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
jourdan hi

108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
if he's a heavy smoker, then yes

109) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
probably jourdan

110) Favorite lyrics right now?
motherfucker i smell bacon

111) Can you count to one million?
i can but i wont do that bc fuck you

last weekend

remember the most reckless night you've ever had in your entire life?

remember Boys of Summer?
remember Hand of Mercy, falling in love with them, while i crashed onto the floor?
remember the pizza bread you had for dinner?
remember "save the queen, she's drowning"?
remember being slouched over someone's shoulder?
remember "my friend's in the moshpit, he has purple hair"?
remember "i dont wanna be a classic asian melbourne uni student"?
remember breaking your phone?
remember Comeback Kid? of course you dont.
remember Deez Nuts? oh, that's right, you missed their set.
remember "she has so many bags"?
remember waking up worrying that your friends are worried sick about you?
remember not knowing where your phone and your keys are in the morning?

i dont suit reckless very well.

while you, you can do anything and everything, and you'd still be better off than me.
its gotten to the point where i dream of you, multiple times, and waking up feeling like shit all morning because i know i cant have you.
as much as i like you, this has really, really got to stop.

i wish it was that easy though.
and i wonder, after dropping off my vomit-stained-self home, do you still think im cute?

i really dont think anyone around me understands how my self-deprecating ways are eating me alive.
here i am, a corpse, not quite dead yet, but is rotting and consumed by maggots from the inside.
i like to think im merely a victim of circumstance, but it threw both its hands in the air, "I have nothing to do with this."
disgust fills me up and overtake me, one mistake after another... one action untouched, after another.
i have abhorred myself ever since i can remember.
perhaps, this was the root of the problem all along... "how could you love others, if you dont first love yourself?"


honestly, there is nothing left of me to love.

perhaps, i was the root of the problem all along.

i knew it.

i've lost my way in the forest of perplexity.
you bewilder me.
the trees are starting to engulf me in darkness as the night falls.

im so scared. for the future, for myself, for everything.
this has to stop. soon enough.

2012 Year in Review

what an interesting year this has been. and this is a very self-centered (literally) post, so if you have absolutely no interest in my life whatsoever (i doubt anyone does, really), this would be a good place to click the 'x' on this tab.

because im hungry and my parents are here, let's just make this quick for now. let's see:

1. i turned 19, but mentally, im either 23 or 15, depending on the day/mood/circumstance.
2. i had a clearer idea who my real friends are, so i ditched those who arent.
3. i learned how to make acquaintances more easily. and i can safely say im a lot better at making small talks now.
4. i went behind my parents back to go to more shows, and Soundwave, and i had a fucking amazing time in general. well, 'carpe diem' was my only justification.
5. i learned that its harder and harder to genuinely like most people now.
6. i discovered 'real' hardcore. and i love it. not all of it. but enough to convert me.
7. i discovered Chuck Palahniuk and David Sedaris, who both quickly became my favourite authors. (by the way, Haunted is my book of the year -purely because its the most disturbing shit i ever read and therefore i love it to pieces.)
8. i discovered heaps of new talented bands. or just talented bands.
9. i have my ups and downs, but i gained a significant amount of confidence and reassurance.
10. i finished year 2, and decided that i hate groupwork and fobs.
11. i started implementing some marketing knowledge into my tumblr and made the 'correct' gifs --i love the bands, for fucking sure, but hey, i dont mind getting notes and heaps new followers.
12. i made a new best friend and made amends with my old best friend --they both became two of the most important people in my life right now, and i love them dearly.
13. i dipped my feet in the "organisations & volunteering" pond, and although i honestly think they're a lovechild between virtue and lame, they do, as much as i hate admitting it, give me a handful of experience (that better be fucking useful for my future endeavours.)
14. i got my first job as a store bitch in a bakery where i worked and loathed like crazy. now i can really respect those in the service industry more, so no regrets.
15. i did my first internship too, in that promo department, and i got to implement some more marketing. and i learned to coexist without sacrificing my ideals and being subtle about it.
16. i learned that i highly prefer those with a lot of interests. they might not be mutual to mine, but it at least shows the span of their knowledge (and a stretch of their personality, most of the time). those with no interests could only talk about others and gossip. which was pretty exciting at first, but it grew exhaustingly annoying after a while.
17. in that note, i acquired a penchant for more nerdy people.
18. i met a liferuiner in november. he actually made me live MakeDamnSure for a good while. this is monumental for various reasons, particularly in that one really pleasant week.
19. i decided that my best skill was to criticise fucking everything and do nothing about it. however........
20. i have better grip on things now.

21. apology is not overrated.

the universe conspires once you've had too much fun.

beautiful band, gorgeous album, accurate song.

this has been bothering me for quite a while and i just have to note it down so one day i can read this in retrospect.

i hate when people use "change and circumstance" as a scapegoat.
yes, i know, everything and everyone changes, and like a plague, you cant help it but just shudder and try to survive. although, by nature, it is a huge injustice.
i have stopped blaming people for the mistakes (?) they did under the name of "change", but well, how do i put this simply?

i do not, under any "circumstance", enjoy being collateral damage.
however, there is nothing i can do about it.

the only thing you can and have to do is to man up, dea. dont be such a fucking loser.

i wish i have a hardcore band because i just wrote some decent hateful lyrics.
it's surprisingly extremely relaxing tho.
want some update of my life?
well, in short;
i hate myself.
i hate everyone.
i hate everything.
i hate all of you.
and i definitely fucking hate you with my guts.

brown eyes, black heart.

i havent been posting much on here. most of the time, i have shit ton to say, but i forgot about this special little platform that could've served a better purpose than sitting around collecting dust from the memories that remind me of how stupid i could be/was/still am.

first of all. i can finally say im starting to get into some hardcore.

im still a beginner tho, please dont go br00tal on me for not liking Terror or shiz.

some other songs worth checking out despite not being in the hardcore genre per se:

been on an experimntal-ish vibe and these are great songs so yeah:

Oh btw David Sedaris is an amazing writer. I have a feeling I might turn into someone like him when I get old. (Still) awkward and confused and helpless. Hopefully I'll also be somewhat successful, with a nice sum of money to my name, of course.

On a sidenote, I fancy disturbing things, if you havent realised it yet; I enjoy disturbing stories, books, movies. Damn it Palahniuk. Look at what you did to me. I'm such a special little snowflake, I know. That obviously makes me better than you, like duh.

Many times, I just feel like giving up trying to understand people and how they behave a certain (annoying) way. But man. I shouldn't forget my own selfish reasons. It's all part of the divine masterplan, isn't it? Isn't that what they say? Wait, it's not? 

I did something I shouldn't have with someone I shouldn't associate with any longer last week. But what the hell. It didn't mean anything. To me, at least. To you, may be another case worth analysing. For the moment, I'm quite content just watching you from my seat, smirking over your fall, being schadenfreude and all that jazz. This will come biting me in the ass sometime, so I better prepare iron pants to match my iron heart.

Oh, that's right, I dont particularly have a  heart.

i know, i know, i know, but it's so much easier said than done.
i hate the way i can dwell on my irrational thoughts and fears for way too long.
i need to stop being so needy and actually survive on my own two feet alone.
i shouldnt be allowed to think too much for my own good.
i hate it, i hate feeling this way.

on a sidenote, im glad you happened, even if eventually nothing will happen, im glad because you are my proof that i've moved on 100%.

 

painstakingly beautiful, these songs make me feel teary-eyed but warm inside.

perspectives

lately i've been kind of surrounding myself with people who have different perspectives, and it's kind of a good thing. you know, so you can always be challenged intellectually. you can always expand your knowledge and sharpen your arguments.

and dude, woah (i say woah all the time now). how you were brought up, your culture, your surroundings, your education... it all really determines your point of view. captain obvious, i know, but there's more to that than i imagined.

and i REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY need to work on my communication skills, as someone pointed out, i evidently did not manage to convey what i wanted to say perfectly. fuck that

woah at new blogger layout

on a sidenote, i figured it's just impossible to try and please everyone.
so im gonna stop doing that.
im just gonna be whatever the fuck i want to be.
of course i have a set of rules, i always learn what not to do and why not, but sometimes i just cant help it.
i respect your opinion, but fuck you.

time for another dazed blogpost written at around 3 am.

these few weeks had been a bit just a tad bit different and difficult, but i managed to get by.
first of all, let me just announce that yes, vic, we are all selfish machines. but being selfish wont get you far.
i've been on this charade of "no-longer-wanting-to-be-a-nice-person-and-getting-all-stepped-on" but yeah.
the only reason things worked out for me in the end is because i WAS being a nice person and that people realised it ultimately. they always come back.
apologies arent the hardest thing to do, but rather acknowledging you made a mistake in the first place.
and sometimes, trying to fix things just isnt the brightest thing to do. sometimes, it only made them worse.
and i realised i shouldnt be too offended by things. i should've been more stoical, remember?
once you become stoical, you're indestructible.
and time heals. time heals quicker than betadine. the pain subsides.

right now, im juggling 3 books: Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club, David Sedaris' Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, and F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.
and re-reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by the almighty Oscar Wilde.
next on my list:
Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting, Palahniuk's Damned, Snuff, and Choke, J. D. Salinger's the Catcher in the Rye, and more Sedaris. and probably, re-read the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
ah, books. good books open minds. i need to read more books. my mind could use more expanding, my vocabulary more enrichment.
all the interesting people are the ones who read.
if you dont read, you better start reading.

i am very preoccupied by this seemingly perfect guy in my lecture who looks as if he just walked out of a skateboarding magazine. stop it. stop being so perfect, rendering me stupid and hopeful that i might get to talk to you and actually start something.

perspectives, how very cheeky of you.
respect others' opinions, no matter how stupid they might be.

once you get through all of it, you will become stoical. indestructible.

if only im witty and charming, so that everything can go absolutely my way.

life recently

been doing nothing productive but discovering different bands from different genres.
Brand New is a good band for this transition tho. I've been listening to Deja Entendu on repeat.

well then.

im guilty for 10/15 of these
lolzies