after a week of feeling so fucking sorry for myself and happened,
i decided to move on.
you may never open my blog again ever, i dont care. or i do, but not that much anymore.
it hurts, you have no idea the magnitude of hurt you imposed upon me.
exams are coming. i need to focus.
i do hope it's not "goodbye for a lifetime" cos it doesnt feel that way for me.
maybe one day you'll come around, i dont know.
i thought we could be best friends for a long time, and even if we drift apart, it's because it happens naturally by time, not by deliberate separation. but well, you have your ways.
you may say i never learn, but trust me i do, i do learn from every little thing you say and do, i just dont.. learn it the way you think i would.
i feel so awful because i have these negative thoughts in my head.. i could've done something so bad to ruin you. but i cant.
i love you, even after everything. i wish you the best of luck ahead, you'll need it.
but remember, if you come knocking at my door one day, well.. i'll probably still be around.
cos when i say friends, i mean it.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
im self-righteous? haha okay. i'll take that. i never said my hands are completely clean.
and yeah, i boasted my so-called righteousness. i accept that as well.
but look where you are now and what you've become.
if you're trying to put yourself on a higher level, you're failing bigtime.
but you'll always deny that, wont you?
you'll never learn if you keep being so fucking ignorant.
swallow your pride a bit.
but if you wanna self-destruct, then i wish you the best of luck, since you're heading towards the right path anyway.. keep driving everyone away.
however, do acknowledge this. that night, i really wanted to tell you horrible things. i managed to keep it down because i wasnt in my best state of mind and neither were you. i didnt wanna say something so bad that i'd regret later.
i had "real big plans and such bad thoughts". but im trying so hard not to manifest them.
i wanted to destroy you. you were asking for it.
but i cant. despite everything, i do hope you'll come to your senses at some point.
you're still my friend. or at least, i still think you are.
you just dont need and want me to be your friend.
how ironic, some of my favorite people in the world often treat me like... junk mail.
sometimes i deserve that. other times, i just dont understand.
and yeah, i boasted my so-called righteousness. i accept that as well.
but look where you are now and what you've become.
if you're trying to put yourself on a higher level, you're failing bigtime.
but you'll always deny that, wont you?
you'll never learn if you keep being so fucking ignorant.
swallow your pride a bit.
but if you wanna self-destruct, then i wish you the best of luck, since you're heading towards the right path anyway.. keep driving everyone away.
however, do acknowledge this. that night, i really wanted to tell you horrible things. i managed to keep it down because i wasnt in my best state of mind and neither were you. i didnt wanna say something so bad that i'd regret later.
i had "real big plans and such bad thoughts". but im trying so hard not to manifest them.
i wanted to destroy you. you were asking for it.
but i cant. despite everything, i do hope you'll come to your senses at some point.
you're still my friend. or at least, i still think you are.
you just dont need and want me to be your friend.
how ironic, some of my favorite people in the world often treat me like... junk mail.
sometimes i deserve that. other times, i just dont understand.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
a night to remember.
Thursday, 12 May 2011. Festival Hall, Melbourne.
A Day To Remember with Underoath.
the day started shitty. I woke up from a nightmare about a creepy stalker. and it was raining all day. i didnt read the marketing article well and we had to do an impromptu presentation about it.i waited for the tram for so long under the rain and splashes from moving cars. stepped into a huge puddle and soaked my shoe wet. but then, Jane and i went to festival hall at night. there was a tram inspector and i hadnt validated my newly-bought ticket, but she let me go. we were afraid of getting lost. but we got there.
a few hundred meters from the venue, it was loud. i started to see some people who looked like fans. you couldnt really tell, but you just knew they're heading for the same direction and were also waiting for a kickass time. and they were wearing thin tees with no jacket on.
Underoath was playing when we got into our seats. when i sat down, they played my favorite song from them: It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door. Spencer Chamberlain has really good hair, Jane and i agreed he could've been a shampoo model. they were good live. we sat in the tribunes, and the people were still relatively calm. except these 2 guys in front of me who headbanged hard to nearly every song.
there was a 30" break and some songs were played. chop suey roared and the audience were swaying and banging their heads. the crew put up a banner with an american flag on it.
then, the moment we'd all waited for. the banner was dropped and there they were. A Day To Remember. the crowd roared. suddenly, everyone sitting down got up from their seats. so we did too.
they opened with Sticks and Bricks. they played all of my favorite songs, including a You Be Tails, which was kind of surprising.
The atmosphere, the vibe, the feeling... it was intense. The blaring sound, the flashing lights, the thundering crowd. It feels really awesome to know that those songs you listen to on repeat at night, were being played by their band themselves in the same place as you. It's really great seeing them play and jump around and swear and they seem to be having a good time as well. the space was kinda small per person, so i didnt get to jump around as much or as hard as i want to. as i remember the lyrics to the songs i like, i can mouth them and go with it. sometimes i threw my hand in the air, along with the crowd. and because im relatively short compared to the people there, i had to work on seeing the band better since the guys in front of me were tall and so energetic. geez. i took a lot of pictures but most of them are blurry.
In the middle of the show, Jeremy got into a plastic hamster ball and rolled around the crowd. It was really amusing. He also asked for "the biggest fucking circle pit" and he got one. he kept saying he loves Australia, and that if his family dont live in America, he would move here. he also said that this was the best concert in his whole 8 years on tour, but that might have been too cliche or an overstatement.
I was bummed when I thought they wouldnt play two of my most favorite songs. but then, Jeremy walked out with an acoustic guitar. i violently prayed and crossed my fingers that he'd play If It Means A Lot To You. and he did. i was so happy, i could cry :') i recorded the song through my crappy blackberry and i didnt care, i just wanted to be able to look back at it later on. and then they played The Downfall of Us All. Epic song to end the night.
Seeing a lot of people wearing ADTR shirts on the spot made me so moved to go and get one.
so, being the fangirls we are, Jane and I bought tees. I bought a yellow one. She initially wanted the same one, but they didnt have the size so she bought the white one. it was 45-fucking-dollars but it was really worth it. i was really proud holding it. and i wore it the next day. too bad i didnt see anyone other than me wearing an ADTR shirt that day :(
oh and being there, with the people who share similar taste in music, feels different, in a great way. there were only a few asians there and i didnt mind. i got to see the kind of boys i like. the "bandfreak-skater" types. with hoodies and band tees. and brown hair. all this time i've been looking for people who listen to similar bands (or ADTR in particular) and there they were.
i was really paranoid about getting home. we had to walk through a quiet, empty street. but after the concert it got crowded from the people walking home, so we werent afraid.
at least now i know the place. and... my parents didnt know i went there. i told my mom i went to a concert later when i arrived home. at least they wont have to freak out since i came home in one piece and okay.
so... generally speaking, it was one of the best nights so far.
my first concert ever... and i really enjoyed every single moment of it.
this made me a lot angrier to my dad tho. THIS is what i've been missing all this time? Hoobastank, A7x, Boys Like Girls? fuck. i've been missing a lot. thanks, loser.
yes, i will go to more concerts now. fuck yeah.
ADTR australian tour setlist:
Sticks & Bricks
The Danger In Starting A Fire
A Shot In The Dark
You Be Tails, I’ll Be Sonic
My Life For Hire
All I Want
I’m Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?
Mr. Highway’s Thinking About The End
This Is The House That Doubt Built
All Signs Point To Lauderdale
2nd Sucks
Monument
Homesick
Why Walk On Water When We’ve Got Boats
Have Faith In Me
You Should’ve Killed Me When You Had The Chance
The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle
Encore:
If It Means A Lot To You
The Downfall Of Us All
(12 favorites/19 songs, not bad at all.)
A Day To Remember with Underoath.
the day started shitty. I woke up from a nightmare about a creepy stalker. and it was raining all day. i didnt read the marketing article well and we had to do an impromptu presentation about it.i waited for the tram for so long under the rain and splashes from moving cars. stepped into a huge puddle and soaked my shoe wet. but then, Jane and i went to festival hall at night. there was a tram inspector and i hadnt validated my newly-bought ticket, but she let me go. we were afraid of getting lost. but we got there.
a few hundred meters from the venue, it was loud. i started to see some people who looked like fans. you couldnt really tell, but you just knew they're heading for the same direction and were also waiting for a kickass time. and they were wearing thin tees with no jacket on.
Underoath was playing when we got into our seats. when i sat down, they played my favorite song from them: It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door. Spencer Chamberlain has really good hair, Jane and i agreed he could've been a shampoo model. they were good live. we sat in the tribunes, and the people were still relatively calm. except these 2 guys in front of me who headbanged hard to nearly every song.
there was a 30" break and some songs were played. chop suey roared and the audience were swaying and banging their heads. the crew put up a banner with an american flag on it.
then, the moment we'd all waited for. the banner was dropped and there they were. A Day To Remember. the crowd roared. suddenly, everyone sitting down got up from their seats. so we did too.
they opened with Sticks and Bricks. they played all of my favorite songs, including a You Be Tails, which was kind of surprising.
The atmosphere, the vibe, the feeling... it was intense. The blaring sound, the flashing lights, the thundering crowd. It feels really awesome to know that those songs you listen to on repeat at night, were being played by their band themselves in the same place as you. It's really great seeing them play and jump around and swear and they seem to be having a good time as well. the space was kinda small per person, so i didnt get to jump around as much or as hard as i want to. as i remember the lyrics to the songs i like, i can mouth them and go with it. sometimes i threw my hand in the air, along with the crowd. and because im relatively short compared to the people there, i had to work on seeing the band better since the guys in front of me were tall and so energetic. geez. i took a lot of pictures but most of them are blurry.
In the middle of the show, Jeremy got into a plastic hamster ball and rolled around the crowd. It was really amusing. He also asked for "the biggest fucking circle pit" and he got one. he kept saying he loves Australia, and that if his family dont live in America, he would move here. he also said that this was the best concert in his whole 8 years on tour, but that might have been too cliche or an overstatement.
I was bummed when I thought they wouldnt play two of my most favorite songs. but then, Jeremy walked out with an acoustic guitar. i violently prayed and crossed my fingers that he'd play If It Means A Lot To You. and he did. i was so happy, i could cry :') i recorded the song through my crappy blackberry and i didnt care, i just wanted to be able to look back at it later on. and then they played The Downfall of Us All. Epic song to end the night.
Seeing a lot of people wearing ADTR shirts on the spot made me so moved to go and get one.
so, being the fangirls we are, Jane and I bought tees. I bought a yellow one. She initially wanted the same one, but they didnt have the size so she bought the white one. it was 45-fucking-dollars but it was really worth it. i was really proud holding it. and i wore it the next day. too bad i didnt see anyone other than me wearing an ADTR shirt that day :(
oh and being there, with the people who share similar taste in music, feels different, in a great way. there were only a few asians there and i didnt mind. i got to see the kind of boys i like. the "bandfreak-skater" types. with hoodies and band tees. and brown hair. all this time i've been looking for people who listen to similar bands (or ADTR in particular) and there they were.
i was really paranoid about getting home. we had to walk through a quiet, empty street. but after the concert it got crowded from the people walking home, so we werent afraid.
at least now i know the place. and... my parents didnt know i went there. i told my mom i went to a concert later when i arrived home. at least they wont have to freak out since i came home in one piece and okay.
so... generally speaking, it was one of the best nights so far.
my first concert ever... and i really enjoyed every single moment of it.
this made me a lot angrier to my dad tho. THIS is what i've been missing all this time? Hoobastank, A7x, Boys Like Girls? fuck. i've been missing a lot. thanks, loser.
yes, i will go to more concerts now. fuck yeah.
ADTR australian tour setlist:
Sticks & Bricks
The Danger In Starting A Fire
A Shot In The Dark
You Be Tails, I’ll Be Sonic
My Life For Hire
All I Want
I’m Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?
Mr. Highway’s Thinking About The End
This Is The House That Doubt Built
All Signs Point To Lauderdale
2nd Sucks
Monument
Homesick
Why Walk On Water When We’ve Got Boats
Have Faith In Me
You Should’ve Killed Me When You Had The Chance
The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle
Encore:
If It Means A Lot To You
The Downfall Of Us All
(12 favorites/19 songs, not bad at all.)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
3:22 AM
1. words, especially public figures', are externalities, but the extent and the nature of them depend on a lot of factors.
2. it's halfway through week 9 and exams are coming in a month. i havent learned shit.
3. assignments are coming again. blitzkrieged. again.
4. this week is the antisocial week.
5. it feels so silent lately, even when you're surrounded by the crowd.
6. why am i still awake again?
7. do i really wanna do commerce later in life? should i just transfer to arts and learn about media, metaphysics, sociology.. learning the behavior of people, arts, culture, society? really?
8. i miss studying in the library with you.
9. kimba, i found an old picture of you. you look old and a little messed up. but i still remember your glorious days. it's been 3 years without you, i miss you and your wagging tail :'(
10. hey, the other kimba, i miss you. bet you dont even remember me.
11. is there any shred of hope?
12. statistics fucking suck.
13. some people are just always on the run.
14. le sexy sounds revisited
15. let's be friends :) please? i wanna get to know you. just friends.
16. i just had to post this:
because 3 years really made a difference. this one change, i'm okay with it :)
2. it's halfway through week 9 and exams are coming in a month. i havent learned shit.
3. assignments are coming again. blitzkrieged. again.
4. this week is the antisocial week.
5. it feels so silent lately, even when you're surrounded by the crowd.
6. why am i still awake again?
7. do i really wanna do commerce later in life? should i just transfer to arts and learn about media, metaphysics, sociology.. learning the behavior of people, arts, culture, society? really?
8. i miss studying in the library with you.
9. kimba, i found an old picture of you. you look old and a little messed up. but i still remember your glorious days. it's been 3 years without you, i miss you and your wagging tail :'(
10. hey, the other kimba, i miss you. bet you dont even remember me.
11. is there any shred of hope?
12. statistics fucking suck.
13. some people are just always on the run.
14. le sexy sounds revisited
15. let's be friends :) please? i wanna get to know you. just friends.
16. i just had to post this:
 |
| fuckyea. |
Sunday, April 24, 2011
and i wonder
im too much a fan of what had been. i spend quite a substantial time remembering. yes, i cling on to the past too hard and this is not a very good thing to do.
if i dont, then my mind plays scenes. imaginary, potential, dangerous, evil, impossible, subliminal scenes. especially when my head hits the pillow, right before i fall into slumber.
i wonder what would it be like if we stopped being what we are.
we part ways in good terms and close the door for good. burn the bridge and let the river embrace the ashes.
eventually we will meet someone new.
i dont know what it would be like in your perspective, but i imagine that this is what it will be like for me.
so finally you've met your new-and-improved dream girl. let's say, she's beautiful, also in ways i can never be. let's also say, she's the girl that fits your every criteria. kind, cheerful, generous, faithful, polite, diligent, loving, humble, etc. and for the sake of making her perfect for you, she will also be submissive, enjoy sports, and have some artistic abilities. basically, everything a man could ever want in a woman. everyone in your family thinks she's the perfect one and nods in agreement.
let's say you decided that she's your soulmate. the girl you want to spend an eternity with. you marry her and have a terrific life. a happy, healthy family with 2 children. and this is her daily routine.
she will be an excellent housewife who will always wake up at sunrise, function as your personal alarm clock for the family, and cook breakfast and lunch for the kids. she will drop the kids off at school, kiss them goodbye, and drive home to do some mundane chores around the house, but surprisingly she enjoys doing these because she loves her family and wants to maintain a clean, beautiful nest. after she picks up the kids, she will hit the gym. later, after she showers, she will help the kids on their homework and prepare dinner. you will come home to her arms and her sizzling, mouthwatering meals served beautifully on the table. and after she puts the kids to their beds, you will have some fun time alone. you will eventually sleep with a huge smile on your face and wake up feeling awesome.
on the weekends, you will have a nice family time together, starting early in morning. you can have a lot of time having fun fun fun without having to spend much much much, because she never really cares about the material things anyway.
she will never fight you, and if you do have an argument, you will always outsmart her, hence constantly winning. she will always come back to you anyway so you have nothing to fear.
as you live the dream life you've always wanted, i wonder...
will you ever, still, remember me? us? what had been?
will you remember or miss the stupid fights and the way i cornered you?
will you miss the unpredictability?
will you miss trying hard to understand me?
will you ponder on what could have been?
will you have any shred of regret?
will you open up the box, filled with the things i gave you? will you even keep it once it's over?
will you still keep a fraction of your feelings to savor at odd times?
sadly, the answer would probably be no.
maybe one day when you're finally tired of her, of her perfection, you will revisit that old, dusty box in the corner if your heart. you will reminisce. the little things. the stupid things. the smile. the eyes.
but you and i both know that nothing can be done, because we've parted ways for so long.
im still on the other side of the world, out having a new adventure of my own.
i've probably changed a lot too. im no longer the 16 year old you fell in love with. heck, even 2 years made a hell lot of difference.
you've lost my number, and you traced it through mutual old friends. when you get it, you keep it in your phone. but you will probably not have the guts to reach me. you stare at my name on the screen, thinking hard about whether or not to push the green button. you think about the usual "hey, how are you?" to break the silence and try to come up with the reason you called as you havent reached me in ages.
as you think about the topics for potential conversations, you remember that we didnt have a lot of shared interests. in the end, you'll realize that it's better to keep things the way they are. you will not risk the heartache if anything happens. for yourself, your wife, and me. you will not risk everything for something as vague as this. as you put the phone down and climb back to bed, you look at your sleeping wife and promise that you will do anything to keep this marriage... forever. so you'll shake off any remaining thoughts of me and close your eyes, because you and your wife need to go to counselling tomorrow morning. but deep down, the questions, the memories... remain.
it can be sought but never found, because nobody.. nobody in this vast face of earth, will ever love you the way i do.
okay i just sounded so cheesy. but fuck that. i am cheesy.
and maybe if this is coming close to the end... i dont know, i honestly dont know what to think anymore. i've almost given up. the horizon is too far ahead and im too tired. unmotivated. and i need that motivation. im in denial and i gave out too many "second" chances, as some of you already know.
i guess im waiting for the last straw.
and i dont know whether or not i should start packing my bags. i have so many things there, i dont feel like moving out just yet... ever.
if i dont, then my mind plays scenes. imaginary, potential, dangerous, evil, impossible, subliminal scenes. especially when my head hits the pillow, right before i fall into slumber.
i wonder what would it be like if we stopped being what we are.
we part ways in good terms and close the door for good. burn the bridge and let the river embrace the ashes.
eventually we will meet someone new.
i dont know what it would be like in your perspective, but i imagine that this is what it will be like for me.
so finally you've met your new-and-improved dream girl. let's say, she's beautiful, also in ways i can never be. let's also say, she's the girl that fits your every criteria. kind, cheerful, generous, faithful, polite, diligent, loving, humble, etc. and for the sake of making her perfect for you, she will also be submissive, enjoy sports, and have some artistic abilities. basically, everything a man could ever want in a woman. everyone in your family thinks she's the perfect one and nods in agreement.
let's say you decided that she's your soulmate. the girl you want to spend an eternity with. you marry her and have a terrific life. a happy, healthy family with 2 children. and this is her daily routine.
she will be an excellent housewife who will always wake up at sunrise, function as your personal alarm clock for the family, and cook breakfast and lunch for the kids. she will drop the kids off at school, kiss them goodbye, and drive home to do some mundane chores around the house, but surprisingly she enjoys doing these because she loves her family and wants to maintain a clean, beautiful nest. after she picks up the kids, she will hit the gym. later, after she showers, she will help the kids on their homework and prepare dinner. you will come home to her arms and her sizzling, mouthwatering meals served beautifully on the table. and after she puts the kids to their beds, you will have some fun time alone. you will eventually sleep with a huge smile on your face and wake up feeling awesome.
on the weekends, you will have a nice family time together, starting early in morning. you can have a lot of time having fun fun fun without having to spend much much much, because she never really cares about the material things anyway.
she will never fight you, and if you do have an argument, you will always outsmart her, hence constantly winning. she will always come back to you anyway so you have nothing to fear.
as you live the dream life you've always wanted, i wonder...
will you ever, still, remember me? us? what had been?
will you remember or miss the stupid fights and the way i cornered you?
will you miss the unpredictability?
will you miss trying hard to understand me?
will you ponder on what could have been?
will you have any shred of regret?
will you open up the box, filled with the things i gave you? will you even keep it once it's over?
will you still keep a fraction of your feelings to savor at odd times?
sadly, the answer would probably be no.
maybe one day when you're finally tired of her, of her perfection, you will revisit that old, dusty box in the corner if your heart. you will reminisce. the little things. the stupid things. the smile. the eyes.
but you and i both know that nothing can be done, because we've parted ways for so long.
im still on the other side of the world, out having a new adventure of my own.
i've probably changed a lot too. im no longer the 16 year old you fell in love with. heck, even 2 years made a hell lot of difference.
you've lost my number, and you traced it through mutual old friends. when you get it, you keep it in your phone. but you will probably not have the guts to reach me. you stare at my name on the screen, thinking hard about whether or not to push the green button. you think about the usual "hey, how are you?" to break the silence and try to come up with the reason you called as you havent reached me in ages.
as you think about the topics for potential conversations, you remember that we didnt have a lot of shared interests. in the end, you'll realize that it's better to keep things the way they are. you will not risk the heartache if anything happens. for yourself, your wife, and me. you will not risk everything for something as vague as this. as you put the phone down and climb back to bed, you look at your sleeping wife and promise that you will do anything to keep this marriage... forever. so you'll shake off any remaining thoughts of me and close your eyes, because you and your wife need to go to counselling tomorrow morning. but deep down, the questions, the memories... remain.
it can be sought but never found, because nobody.. nobody in this vast face of earth, will ever love you the way i do.
okay i just sounded so cheesy. but fuck that. i am cheesy.
and maybe if this is coming close to the end... i dont know, i honestly dont know what to think anymore. i've almost given up. the horizon is too far ahead and im too tired. unmotivated. and i need that motivation. im in denial and i gave out too many "second" chances, as some of you already know.
i guess im waiting for the last straw.
and i dont know whether or not i should start packing my bags. i have so many things there, i dont feel like moving out just yet... ever.
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