and i wonder

im too much a fan of what had been. i spend quite a substantial time remembering. yes, i cling on to the past too hard and this is not a very good thing to do.
if i dont, then my mind plays scenes. imaginary, potential, dangerous, evil, impossible, subliminal scenes. especially when my head hits the pillow, right before i fall into slumber.

i wonder what would it be like if we stopped being what we are.
we part ways in good terms and close the door for good. burn the bridge and let the river embrace the ashes.
eventually we will meet someone new.
i dont know what it would be like in your perspective, but i imagine that this is what it will be like for me.

so finally you've met your new-and-improved dream girl. let's say, she's beautiful, also in ways i can never be. let's also say, she's the girl that fits your every criteria. kind, cheerful, generous, faithful, polite, diligent, loving, humble, etc. and for the sake of making her perfect for you, she will also be submissive, enjoy sports, and have some artistic abilities. basically, everything a man could ever want in a woman. everyone in your family thinks she's the perfect one and nods in agreement.
let's say you decided that she's your soulmate. the girl you want to spend an eternity with. you marry her and have a terrific life. a happy, healthy family with 2 children. and this is her daily routine.

she will be an excellent housewife who will always wake up at sunrise, function as your personal alarm clock for the family, and cook breakfast and lunch for the kids. she will drop the kids off at school, kiss them goodbye, and drive home to do some mundane chores around the house, but surprisingly she enjoys doing these because she loves her family and wants to maintain a clean, beautiful nest. after she picks up the kids, she will hit the gym. later, after she showers, she will help the kids on their homework and prepare dinner. you will come home to her arms and her sizzling, mouthwatering meals served beautifully on the table. and after she puts the kids to their beds, you will have some fun time alone. you will eventually sleep with a huge smile on your face and wake up feeling awesome.
on the weekends, you will have a nice family time together, starting early in morning. you can have a lot of time having fun fun fun without having to spend much much much, because she never really cares about the material things anyway.
she will never fight you, and if you do have an argument, you will always outsmart her, hence constantly winning. she will always come back to you anyway so you have nothing to fear.
as you live the dream life you've always wanted, i wonder...

will you ever, still, remember me? us? what had been?
will you remember or miss the stupid fights and the way i cornered you?
will you miss the unpredictability?
will you miss trying hard to understand me?
will you ponder on what could have been?
will you have any shred of regret?
will you open up the box, filled with the things i gave you? will you even keep it once it's over?
will you still keep a fraction of your feelings to savor at odd times?

sadly, the answer would probably be no.

maybe one day when you're finally tired of her, of her perfection, you will revisit that old, dusty box in the corner if your heart. you will reminisce. the little things. the stupid things. the smile. the eyes.
but you and i both know that nothing can be done, because we've parted ways for so long.
im still on the other side of the world, out having a new adventure of my own.
i've probably changed a lot too. im no longer the 16 year old you fell in love with. heck, even 2 years made a hell lot of difference.
you've lost my number, and you traced it through mutual old friends. when you get it, you keep it in your phone. but you will probably not have the guts to reach me. you stare at my name on the screen, thinking hard about whether or not to push the green button. you think about the usual "hey, how are you?" to break the silence and try to come up with the reason you called as you havent reached me in ages.
as you think about the topics for potential conversations, you remember that we didnt have a lot of shared interests. in the end, you'll realize that it's better to keep things the way they are. you will not risk the heartache if anything happens. for yourself, your wife, and me. you will not risk everything for something as vague as this. as you put the phone down and climb back to bed, you look at your sleeping wife and promise that you will do anything to keep this marriage... forever. so you'll shake off any remaining thoughts of me and close your eyes, because you and your wife need to go to counselling tomorrow morning. but deep down, the questions, the memories... remain.
it can be sought but never found, because nobody.. nobody in this vast face of earth, will ever love you the way i do.

okay i just sounded so cheesy. but fuck that. i am cheesy.
and maybe if this is coming close to the end... i dont know, i honestly dont know what to think anymore. i've almost given up. the horizon is too far ahead and im too tired. unmotivated. and i need that motivation. im in denial and i gave out too many "second" chances, as some of you already know.

i guess im waiting for the last straw.

and i dont know whether or not i should start packing my bags. i have so many things there, i dont feel like moving out just yet... ever.